Monday, April 28, 2014

Happy Birthday Kari Wuhrer!

“To allow people in the world to see me as I truly believe I see myself. I wanna create a character that's really memorable... like Julia Roberts did in Pretty Woman. I haven't gotten to the essence of me... I have to be able to give up these insecurities.”

Picture Legend:

1. Ms Kari
2. Kari’s place of birth, Brookfield, Connecticut
3. Chicken Rock
4. On MTV’s “Remote Control”
5. Youthful glamour shot
6. One of the first photographs I ever saw of Kari. Thank you Maxim
7. “Shiny” Kari’s 1999 CD
8.  Kari practicing short bouts of levitation
9. On “The Doctors”
10. Old boobs
11. New boobs
12. In “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane”
13. With Marc Singer in  “Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time”
14. With Christina Applegate in “Married with Children”
15. In “Swamp Thing: The Series”
16. Kari with, what looks like, Satan’s representative here on Earth
17. Studying with teacher in “Class of 96“
18. Okay, okay! That picture wasn’t really from “Class of 96,“ but I couldn’t find any! Don’t hurt
19. In “Boulevard.”
20. Okay, okay, that picture wasn’t really from “Boulevard,” but I had to get it in there. PLEASE
      don’t hurt me! I’m very tender.
21. With Eric Roberts in “Sensation”
22. In “Sex and the Other Man” with Ron Eldard
23. In “Red-Blooded American Girl II”
24. Dancing with Jack in “The Crossing Guard”
25. In “Thinner”
26. With Jennifer Lopez and Jonathan Hyde in “Anaconda”
27. Leggy with Owen Wilson in the same movie
28. Foot
29. In “Sliders”
30. On the cover of “Celebrity Skin,” making our with some girl again
31. Relaxing at home
32. “G-Men from Hell”
33. “CSI”
34. Kari in another Maxim shot. She must have just got out of bed, or something
35.  As single mom Sheriff Sam Parker in “Eight Legged Freaks”
36.  Scarlett get strung out
37.  Having fun on the set
38. With C. Thomas Howell in “The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting”
39. With John Light in “The Prophecy: Forsaken”
40. Kari demonstrates “The Chair Pose”
41. The Birds
42. Kari with someone else in a publicity still for “General Hospital”
43. In “Hellraiser: Deader” Don’t open it Kari! Don’t open it!
44. About to be “Stop and Frisked”
45. In “Sharknado 2: The Second One” ... oh, wait a second, that’s not it
46. Promoting “Sharknado 2: The Second One” or just “Sharknado”
47.  Alfen Maranwë Nénharma
48. She missed!
49. Kisses
50. Goodbye Kari! Happy Birthday!

   Today it is my great pleasure and honor to give a great big happy birthday shout out to one of my favorite actresses, singers, song writers, and all around good persons, Ms. Kari Wuhrer!
   Up until I started writing this I imagined her name was pronounced like Carrie (or like my lovely niece, Keri) Were er. I don’t know why I thought that, I just did. But I discovered I was wrong, and like any good scientist, or rational thinker, when confronted with verifiable evidence that discounts my long held, cherished views (in this case her pronouncing her own name, and with all things being equal, I’ll take her word for it), I have to change those views to fit the prevailing evidence. 
   Her name is pronounced Car-ee Were. Like a “car” with an “e” at the end.  And just “were,” without the “er.” Get it? Good.
   Now that we’ve got that straightened out, let’s continue shall we?
   Like approximately 51% of us, young Kari was born at a very early age, as a small, compact, female infant, on this day in 1967, which makes her, uh, let’s see... carry the ought, times pi, plus a Eigenvalue Problem value, divided by the plurisubharmonic function, minus the dividend from Dennys, uh, 38. She however has the distinction of being born in Brookfield, Connecticut (41° 28′ 7″ N, 73° 23′ 31″ W 41.468611, -73.391944, elevation a whopping 459 feet, population 16,452 as of 2010, zip code 06804, and area code 203, incase you’d like to call someone there)  It was named after the first minister of the parish's Congregational church, Reverend Thomas Brooks, who must have owned a field somewhere nearby.
   In the early 1970s, the town was home to LEGO USA headquarters (The Lego Group, which owns LEGO USA, is a family-owned company based in Billund, Denmark).
   Brookfield lies near the shore of Candlewood Lake, which is the largest lake in Connecticut, with a maximum length of 11 miles and width of 2 at it’s widest point.
   It contains many fish, which various people attempt to catch from time to time.
   Candlewood Lake is also the home to the "Chicken Rock," which is a large rock from which folks jump into the water, hopefully avoiding the fish.
   Kari’s mom, Karen (pronounced “care-in”), was a payroll accountant, and her dad, Andrew, was a policeman who became a car salesman, which is interesting. 
   She is of Cherokee and German ancestry. One can tell this by looking at her dark, smoldering eyes.
   She has three siblings (we have no idea of the ratio of brothers to sisters, or if there is a ratio at all).
   Kari was a, how shall I put this... a precocious child, one might say with a wild side, however that precociousness and wild tendency was directed towards a goal, to which she applied a great deal of energy. 
   She began studying acting at the age of 13 at the Wooster School (“Simplicity, Religion, Hard Work, and Intellectual Excellence”). The folk singer Tracy Chapman attended as well. Perhaps they knew each other.
   She used to sneak out of her house to sing in nightclubs when she was a teenager, the first thing that Kari and I have in common.
   At the appropriate time and age she moved to New York City to begin auditioning for acting jobs, while studying drama at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts, Marymount Manhattan College, Columbia University, and the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London, which is in England, with famed teacher Uta Hagen (she originated the role of Martha in the 1962 Broadway premiere of “Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”).
   Being very pretty and all she was signed to the Ford's  Model Talent Division, and appeared in several commercials, most notably Clairol, as well as performing on the stage in several theater productions.
   In 1986, Kari landed a small but pivotal role in the drama “Fire with Fire,” starring the lovely and talented Virginia Madsen. Her career was off and running. 
   The next year she landed a job as a “VJ,” which is an announcer who introduces videos on commercial music television stations. Kari worked on the show “Remote Control,” and here is clip of her giving 10 bits of unrelated advice for a better life.
   Hey, guess what? The famous comedian and movie star’s Adam Sandler (who played a stud boy or Trivia Delinquent) and Denis Leary, appeared on the show early in their careers as well.
   Kari is not only a well trained and talented actress, she’s a very gifted singer (as am I... that’s the second thing we have in common) and musician, as can be evidenced in the clip at the top of this post, which is one of the songs appearing on her 1999 CD, “Shiny.” There’s 10 wonderful tracks on the CD, and here’s another one, entitled “Hands of Mary.”    
   Wasn’t that wonderful?!
   I mention this now because at around this time Kari became the youngest member of the cover/rock band  Freudian Slip, which proves she was very involved in music as well as acting (she plays the guitar and the flute). She’s a multi-talented, multi-tasking entertainer which isn’t as easy as it sounds.
   “Shiny,” is like my favorite new CD. All of the tracks (songs) are great, and could each have been hits. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the CD was promoted as well as it should have been, or was not accompanied with music videos, and in this day and age, or the day and age in 1999, that usually had to happen to get enough attention to become a big hit. 
   And that might not of happened in this case. 
   But what do I know?
   If you’re very good, dear readers I might include some more tracks from “Shiny,” but you all should buy a copy, from right here.
   In 1989, after leaving MTV, Kari came out to L.A. to explore a singing career, and after some dip shit music producer told her she would need to get some work done, she underwent breast implant surgery  at age 22. She would later regret that decision.
   This is from an article, or diary, she wrote in March and April of 2002: 
   “These implants have been with me for almost my whole entertainment career, After a year long stint in 1988 as the host of MTV's game show Remote Control, I moved from New York to Los Angeles to become a singer.  An eminent record producer signed me to a record deal but added very matter-of-factly that I would need to get new breasts put in.
   Eight months later, I had my A-cups augmented to C-cups. After six months of working with the producer on my "image", rather than my music, I decided not to do the deal after all. But with the implants, I was offered a lot of "sexy" roles in low-budget films. It was limiting, but I couldn't complain - those jobs were putting a roof over my head. I took big roles in small movies and small roles in big movies. In 1997, I was cast in the science fiction TV series Sliders, which started my career in sci-fi thrillers and eventually led to my starring role this summer opposite David Arquette in the film Eight Legged Freaks, a parody of 1950s monster movies.”
   After 13 years, and a bad experience on the set, she decided she’d had enough and had the implants removed. Here she is telling her story. 
    And for those of you who can’t read, here’s a clip of Kari’s appearance on “The Doctors,” telling the story.
   “At least now again, I feel 100 percent me. I saw an old friend at the gym last week, and the first thing she said was, ‘Where are your boobs?’” 
   Well, after all of that I think we need another song. Here’s one of my favorites, “Your Octopus.”
   With all of her VJ street cred from “Remote Control,” Kari secured a role in 1990's “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane,” starring the comedian, Andrew Dice Clay, with Elvis’s ex, Priscilla Presley, Lauren Holly, and “Married with Children’s” Ed O'Neill.
   The film was directed by Renny Harlin (who at one time was married to Academy Award winning actress, Geena Davis), and concerned Fairlane, a rock and roll detective, and his adventures. Here’s a clip featuring Kari. 
   And here’s a clip of Kari telling the story of how Harlin got her fired from her job in the luggage department at Fred Seagal... the miserable Finnish son of a bitch, on the Craig Kilborn program in September of 2002.
   In 1991 she starred in “Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time,” with Mark Singer from “V” (which, like “Independence Day,” ripped off Arthur C. Clark’s spaceships from “Childhood’s End”) and “Beastmaster” fame. 
   Kari plays an L.A. girl who’s walking around minding her own business, when a beastmaster appears after traveling through a portal in time, which as most anyone can tell you can be quite disconcerting. Here’s the trailer.
   Speaking of “Married with Children,” Kari guest starred in two episodes in 1991, as  Joanie, the leader of  a punk band Christina Applegate features on her new televisions show. Here's a clip, and here's another.
   In the second appearance, “Kelly Does Hollywood: Part 2,” a young actress named Denise Richards, was also starting out.
   She also starred in 10 episodes of “Swamp Thing: The Series,” playing Abigail, a runaway synthetic human created by Dr. Woodrue.
   Who’s Dr. Woodrue, you ask? Beats the freaking hell out of me, as he’s (or she’s) not listed in the credits. A rouge, one episode mad doctor perhaps.
   In 1993 she became a regular on the television series, “Class of 96“ (okay, I know what you’re thinking. The show’s called “Class of 96“ and it began airing in 1993. Was it like a futuristic class  kind of show? Beats the freaking hell out of me as I was working for Bob Vasquez at the Salvation Army in 1993, and didn’t have time to watch T.V. Perhaps Kari will read this and leave a comment, clearing up this important matter). Kari played what some have referred to as the femme fatale, Robin Farr, “Jessica and Patty's roommate, an attractive girl from Florida.”
   Isn’t that nice.
   If you happened to watch this show from the very beginning, this is what you’d see.
   Remember those “I took big roles in small movies and small roles in big movies,” Kari spoke of? Well in 1994 she started making some of those smaller films. Some might call them sexploitation films, but not me. Kari starred in “Boulevard,” along with Tommy Chong’s progeny, Rae Dawn Chong, and Lou Diamond Phillips. Here’s a clip (Warning! This clip is age restricted, so those people who are above a certain age should not watch this).
   Kari would make several more of these films (“I'm the queen of the independent video!”), including 1994‘s “Sensation,” (“‘Sensation’ is a showcase for the gorgeous Kari Wuhrer. Please don't try to tell me it's a thriller or it's about psychic abilities. The story exists simply to string along the scenes with Kari. Sensation is about psychic phenomena in the same way Debbie Does Dallas is about Dallas.” Here’s a clip) co-starring Julia’s bro, Eric Roberts and Ron Perlman, “Sex and the Other Man,” (“Kari Wuhrer is worth the price of admission. I could watch her read the phone book, and she does a heck of a lot more here. The plot, characterization, etc. aren't bad either.”) with Stanley Tucci, and “Red-Blooded American Girl II,” or “Hit and Run,” (take your pick) which was based on 1990's “Red-Blooded American Girl,” which starred the lovely Heather Thomas, who played a red blooded American girl who was turned into a vampire by a virus. It happens. “Red-Blooded American Girl II,” doesn’t have any vampires, but it has Kari, and here’s a clip, and another, and another.
    “Red-Blooded American Girl II,” came out in 1997, and Kari identified herself in the credits as Kari Salin. She did that because in 1995 she had married a Daniel Salin, whom she divorced in 1999, after she got a tattoo with his name on her ankle, which she’s since had removed, and a good thing to, as she married again in 2003, to James Scura, who she’s still married to, and with whom she’s had three children: a son, Enzo, born in January of 2004, a daughter, Evangeline Lotus, born on the 27th of March 2006, and another daughter, Echo Luna, who was born on September 8th, 2008.
   Kari’s 5' 5" tall (1.65 m). Her weight varies depending on how much she’s eaten. Blood Pressure: 122/86, Pulse 67, Temperature a cool 97.8.
   Check back tomorrow as these variables may have changed.
   In 1995 Kari co-starred with Jack Nicholson, David Morse, Robin Wright, and Anjelica Huston, in “The Crossing Guard,” which was directed by Sean Penn. A revenge/drama that was well received by critics, but lost money at the box office. Kari plays Mia, a hooker/stripper/girl friend to Jack, and she was excellent... as usual. Here's a clip with Kari and Jack dancing.
   In 1996 she played a vengeful Gypsy who’s pretty good with a slingshot, in Stephen King’s “Thinner.”  
   Kari starred with another all-star cast in 1997‘s “Anaconda,” with Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Eric Stoltz, and everybody’s friend Danny Trejo.
   Unfortunately that rat bastard Jon Voight murdered Kari, for which I’ll never forgive him, and I don’t care if it was just a movie!.
   Here’s a clip.
   As far as I know, “Anaconda,” was the very first film to utilize the “Snake Cam,” which was used to film the entire digestive process of a snake, in this case a huge anaconda, allowing the audience to travel down the snake’s mouth, through it’s gut, and straight out it’s ass. Bravo “Anaconda” producers, bravo!
   And here’s Kari's rendition of “Come and Get It,”  a song written by Paul McCartney in 1969 when The Beatles were still together, during the “Abbey Road” sessions. Those lazy ass Beatles didn’t help him record this though, and he did by himself, wrote, sang, and played all of the musical instruments (not at the same time) all by himself. It took him about an hour.
   The song was officially released in 1996 on “The Beatles Anthology 3“ and issued under the Beatles' name. However, the song was made popular back in 1970 by the band Badfinger, whom McCartney let use for the sound track of the film “The Magic Christian,” which starred Peter Sellers, Ringo Starr, and the lovely and talented Raquel Welch, among others.  
   If you are a fan of the show “Breaking Bad,” and you saw the very last episode entitled "Felina," then you’re already familiar with Badfinger, and their 1971 hit, “Baby Blue.”
   But I digress.
   1997 also saw Kari getting a recurring role of the Sci-Fi television show, “Sliders,” which she appeared in 49 episodes, and was where I first became aware of her work, thereafter taking an interest in her career. 
   “Sliders” is your run of the mill show about a group of travelers as they use a wormhole (Einstein–Rosen bridge) to "slide" between different parallel universes, and wasn’t at all like the Stargate T.V. franchise (speaking of which, Kari guest starred in a 2008 episode of “Stargate: Atlantis”... just a coincidence). 
   Kari played Maggie A. Beckett, a rather dubious captain in the United States Marines (I never did trust those jar-head bastards). Here's a
   I really liked the show, and what I really liked about it was Kari. I don’t know why... well I do know why, she’s pretty (Kari was voted #76 on the FHM 100 Sexiest Women of 2000, #73 in the FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World of 2001, and #36 in Maxim magazine's 50 Sexiest Women Countdown of 1999. She posed semi-nude in Playboy magazine in August 2000 as their Babe of the Month, and earlier considered (and rejected) multiple offers to appear fully nude throughout 1998 (that’s the third thing we have in common) She was also #64 on Celebrity Skin's 100 Sexiest Stars of All Time and #4 in the Celebrity Nudity Database's Most Popular Actresses of 1999), a wonderful actress, and displays a certain vitality, authenticity, and earnestness that is hard to match... and she’s fun! And although she’s pretty, and does all these sexy photo shoots at times, I’ve never thought of her as a sex object, which is highly unusual for me as I treat the majority of women as sex objects. 
   I think of Kari more like I would a sister.
   A sister who could probably beat me up.
   Like my yoga teacher Beth.
   But I digress.
   Here’s a musical tribute to Kari in “Sliders,” featuring The Pussycat Dolls, with “Wait a Minute.”  
   In 2000 Kari provided the voice for Special Agent Tanya Adams, in the video game “Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2,” which without Tanya would have been mute.
   She also starred in the cult classic “G-Men from Hell,” with William Forsythe, Gary Busy, and the lovely and talented Vanessa Angel
   The story involves some FBI guys who are murdered, sent to Hell, and don’t like it there so they bust out and open up a private detective’s office. Here’s a clip.
   In 2002 Kari starred in one of my very favorite films (I watched it again Saturday night!), “Eight Legged Freaks.” Based on the “Ant Incident” of  1954 in New Mexico, in this movie Kari kicks some giant spider ass in Arizona, along with David Arquette, and 18 year old Scarlett Johansson. Here’s the trailer, and here’s a clip of the actors talking about the film.
   “Let the squishing begin.”
   In 2003 Kari starred with C. Thomas Howell and Gary’s son Jake Busey in “The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting.” Here’s a clip.
   You would think that C. Thomas would have learned his lesson the first time, but noooooo.
   She singlehandedly saved The Prophecy franchise by appearing in 2005‘s “The Prophecy: Uprising,” and “The Prophecy: Forsaken,” the final two films in the five part series. Here's a clip from Forsaken.
   Kari continued her work in television guest starring on “CSI, Crime Scene Investigation,” also  in 2002, and doing a stint on daytime, on “General Hospital,” for nine episodes in 2005 (Kari believed the producers had her character killed off in a train wreck because she was pregnant with Evangeline Lotus, and sued them. The case was resolved in December 2006).
   I can’t stand soap operas so no clips.
   That is no reflection on Kari’s fine work.
   Also in 2005, she continued the fine Hellraiser tradition by appearing in “Hellraiser: Deader,” the seventh installment. 
   Thing’s didn’t turn out well for Kari’s character in that movie.
   I told her not to open it!
   In 2008 she appeared with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Julie Delpy, Brendan Fraser, Andy García, Kevin Bacon, and Forest Whitaker, in “The Air I Breathe,” a film based on a four part Chinese proverb, and well worth watching... as a matter of fact I think I’ll watch it again tonight while celebrating Kari’s birthday.
   Kari’s been in many other fine television shows and films as well.
   As matter of fact the Internet Movie Data Base tells us that she is currently filming “Sharknado 2: The Second One.”  Imagine a tornado, and if that isn’t bad enough, it has sharks in it! You get the picture.
   I’m told that Kari lives in nearby Hollywood, California (34° 6′ 0″ N, 118° 20′ 0″ W
34.1, -118.333333)... nearby to me that is, and that she’s into ceramics, which is kind of like pottery. 
   Here’s a link to Kari’s Facebook page, but don’t send a Friend Request, as she’s reached her limit and can’t accept anymore, which I don’t know what that means.
   Anyway, here’s a link to a fan based appreciation site.   
   What else... her name in Elvish is Maranwë Nénharma. Isn’t that pretty!     
   Here is Kari’s single from “Shiny,” entitled “There’s a Drug.”
   Indeed there is, Kari. Indeed there is.
   “When I was a little girl I thought I would be like way more successful an actress. I thought I was going to be the next Judy Garland or Buffy from Family Affair I was really really intense on practicing my dancing and my singing and it was everything to me. I had a pink room. All the things that you could possibly picture. That's what I was about.”
   Well Kari, I happen to know many young and talented actresses (they flock to me), and each one would give there eye teeth to have the kind of career that you’ve enjoyed.
   And besides that, you have many lovely friends, a fine family, me, and much love and admiration from all of your fans, and the world. 
   Thank you for being the person that you are.
   And of course, all of us here at Joyce’s Take wish you and that family continued good health and fortune, and a very happy birthday.
   Happy Birthday Kari!