The Anglo-Irish (a term used primarily in the 19th and early 20th centuries to identify a privileged social class in Ireland, whose members were mostly the descendants and successors of the Protestant Ascendancy) satirist, essayist, political pamphleteer (one who creates or distributes pamphlets), poet and cleric, Jonathan Swift, would have been 348 years old today, if he hadn’t had the bad luck of dying in 1745, at the ripe old age of 77 (the average life expectancy at the time of his death being approximately 43.13 years), so old that at the time of his death he was suffering from tremendous physical agony, and was gripped in the throes of madness.
His masterpiece, “Gulliver's Travels,” was a book I had the pleasure of reading when I was in my late teens, and has influenced me to this day.
In honor of Swift’s person and talent I humbly submit the following, a modern rendition of one of his best known shorter works. I sincerely hope he would have approved.
"You shall sow your land for six years and gather in its yield...” Exodus 23:10
“For even when we were with you, this we commanded you: that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” 2 Thessalonians 3:10
A Modest Proposal
For Effecting a Strategy Allowing the Nation’s Infants and Domestic Beasts, to Cease Being Burdens on Their Country, Thereby Making them Beneficial to Society
It is a very sorry state of affairs (one could almost say melancholy) indeed to recognize the magnitude of the poor and necessitous within the boarders of this great nation. I myself live in an area of one of the country’s largest cosmopolises, and am subject to look upon rows of makeshift dwellings fabricated of various grading of binder’s board, assorted apodemes of mackinaw, and semisynthetic aminoplastic praetoriums, as far as the eye can regard, and am constantly astonished at the brobdingnagian aggregate of children affixed to them. How is it possible for those who cannot seem to manage themselves to be expected to contend with their prodigious and helpless offspring.
It has been estimated that there are some twenty millions of urchins within the boarders of this magnificent country of ours that are younger than five years of age, whose upkeep utilizes a great amount of time and resource of their mothers, and quite often their fathers, which subtracts from the useful production parents can potentially provide toward the common good. Not only are these juvenile tots not contributing to the general economy, the tendency remains that they absorb as many resources as is possible for those so small.
However my intention is far from being restricted to just the children of the poor, it is of much greater issue, concerning all children of the working class who draw upon society without benefit of contribution to it, as there is no indication whatsoever that these supernumerary, inessential and wholly pathetic waifs add to the entirety of our body politic.
For my own part, having considered the myriad complications involved in all aspects of this serious dilemma we find ourselves ensconced within, and having navigated the countless tributaries of my conscious in regard to the moral imperative which guides my steady hand, I have found the existing state of affairs severely wanting. It is true that the nestlings in the midst of our focus may subside with direct communion with their mothers for an indefinite period, perhaps longer, with little else required of the general surrounding environment, it is still of question as to the subsistence of the entire family unit itself! Hence my proposal be seen as a unique and novel solution that will place little burden on every imaginable party involved to ensure a successful resolution to elevate the leagues of piteous and demoralized parents that cannot seek considerable recourse otherwise.
If indeed my proposals are met with favor and adopted forthwith there will be other ancillary consequences of a beneficiary and precise nature, namely a stringent reduction in the need to terminate deduced pregnancies as the advantages to baring to term will become advantageous and wholly obvious, to the point wherein that detested practice be eliminated entirely and without regret.
The total assemblage of this commonwealth is calculated at three hundred and eighteen point nine millions as of the most recent reckoning. Of this, a goodly number, one hundred million, six hundred and fifteen thousand, or more or less thirty five per centum, above one third of the entire republic, depend upon the grace of the majority in the form of accommodations from the ruling authorities. Of the total I surmise the existence of thirty nine million and a half of reproductively active couples consisting of men and women, the later being of an age to bear progeny. Of that issue I subtract six millions who bear the resourcefulness to maintain their own nippers without benefit of public support, although that number may prove to be liberal in nature due to the general dysfunctionality of the nation as a whole, which is no doubt in direct proportion to the malfunctionality of the nincompoops occupying the legislative branches, which of course is a notable derivative of the nature of the occupant of the executive. If I follow directly, that leaves thirty three point five millions who actively breed. I once again subtract ten million, seven hundred and forty four thousand who will inevitably miscarry or lose their children by accident, forgetfulness, or disease within the year. Twenty two millions, seven hundred and fifty six thousand are left to us who are pathetically poor per annum. And of that almost four millions of infants come into the world that require subsistence. The question is this, how will these children be paid for?
I am assured by those who examine the economy that adolescents entering their second decade have amassed a considerable debt and therefore will be remanded to various forms of servitude on order for society as a whole to be reimbursed, entering vocations such as the dispersion of printed media on a daily basis, periodic siphoning of precious fluids, and military conscription being just a few of possible ventures.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been told by a knowledgeable Irishman, an acquaintance of long standing, that young infants of good health, who have been well fed and looked after, can produce prestigious amounts of organic plant food if left to themselves to wander or crawl about in specified environments, such as plantations, sowed fields, or tilled paddies.
The above example being only one of many possible that may be suited and applied to those who would normally be a hindrance not only to their parental arbitrators but to the nation that supports both of these units of what in normal circumstances would be adjudicated as a nominal family, but in the larger percentage of modern instances does not exist in this time frame, and thereby providing some measure of relief to both structures. It is recognized that a certain small percentage of those put to this measure will be damaged to a miniscule degree due to certain circumstances contingent with the vocation. Therefore a breeding stock should be maintained that is pure and free from mischief. I suggest that out of the four million children already mentioned, that one fourth of the highest caliber of physical and mental purchase be excluded from sustenance duties and directed toward the goal of stock repletion, with a ratio of one male to three females, which should, in my estimation, be equal to the task.
Well fed newborns evacuate roughly six to ten times a day, therefore a well conditioned crop should be able to fecundate a land parcel within an hour.
There exists a strong possibility of controversy regarding this strategy as baby feces are not normally prized for their nutrient value as compared to other sources. Yet the availability and cost shall recompense.
In addition to the obvious benefits of additional nutrient value such a strategic employment would allow for, the natural momentum of said participants would address tilling requirements that would normally be provided for with a prestigious amount of uncalled for manual output. Infants allowed to plow unhindered throughout daylight hours will not only furrow the nation’s one hundred and sixty plus hectares of fertile regions. Indeed, to facilitate this added employment simple mechanical devices could be devised that can be attached to each individual unit in order to maximize the fluid movement of the thousands of babies employed in such a noble endeavor.
The cost of simple maintenence of said stock on a unit basis of indigent (in which I include the issue of day laborers, pedagogues, diversion contestants, the arthritic, drug addled, infirm, and of course acutely feeble minded), otherwise useless offspring is approximately forty eight centimes per twelvemonth, rags included, which considering current market conditions could be charted out at two dollars and forty pennies, for a walloping advantage to the genitor of one dollar and ninety two cents! Since the annual output of each participant on average equals at as many as eight to ten movements a day, is approximately one hundred and two glorious pounds. The advantage of such a system is wholly obvious.
Another advantage to this scheme is the allocation of labor by the lessing need for maternal assistance daily that would otherwise employ those who would better benefit society at large by seeking gainful employment.
Infant labor formalities can and should of course be circumnavigated altogether by simply reimbursing said parent rather than the literal entity which provides the actual output, if you will, of specialized labor, thereby negating the statutory issue of maintaining an instance of baby drudgery simply by not supporting direct defrayment.
An acquaintance of high character, known to me through associates I have intertwined through business enterprises throughout the years, has suggested that due to the current hoopla regarding the exodus of huge amounts of cohorts from various realms to the south of our great republic, assorted impediments be established along said perimeters to impede their steady progression, in a bold and dramatic fashion, including the use of electrified barriers, fields of buried explosives, snares, stake pits, and similar devices, with the goal of arresting this nonsense once and for all, and in their place utilize the services of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work due to the generally low economic conditions we currently suffer; to be offered by their remunerated parents, if available, or by guardians, the direct consequence being the freedom of these innumerable custodians to discover steadfast employment, while the adolescents be put to good use in diverse applications, not a few of them being the resupply of the commonwealth’s liquid bodily substances, urchins of the specified age quite capable of being harvested thrice or more weekly, or for use in any number of significant and valuable endeavors, such as markers in sporting venues, noxious fume indicators in mining activities, or as decoys in the relocations of assorted beasts, such as large aquatic reptiles, or land based carnivores.
However, in order to vindicate my friend’s posture, he did admit to me that this sentiment was introduced to him by Rafael Cruz, a native of the province of Alberta, a portion of the great out reaches of the north, who came from thence to our capital above forty years ago, and while earnestly chatting to my friend mentioned that in his country those who do not earn their keep, no matter of what persuasion, they were permanently cast out, and sent to the socially ubiquitous confines below, to be henceforth that nation’s burden of which they seem tolerant and disposed to coddle. This man informed my friend that it was his determination, and that of his fellow political allies, to undermine our countries apathy towards these useless vagabonds, and put them to good and productive use, as mentioned above. Furthermore, inclusive not only to necessitous infants and striplings, but all domestic creatures, of all varieties and classes, upon which there exist multitudes, that have historically been little but parasitical upon our general good nature.
I know that is of great concern to some of a strict value that the vast numbers of the poor, indolent, antediluvian, and antiquated within our confines, who do not participate in substantial productivity due to their advanced and repellent qualities, need to be steadfastly administered in an efficient and thorough manner. I maintain that this position should be of piffling priority considering the naturally occurring demise of said individuals advances at a common and undeniable rate upwards of six thousand, seven hundred a day. Even in a nation as large and propitious as ours, it is only a small matter of patient continuance before this difficulty rids itself of bearing, our lands becoming whole and clean and prosperous to the utmost of it’s capabilities. Of course any and all resources that had been previously allocated to these creatures would be free to sustain the productive and fertile.
I have strayed from the ardent signification, and must return to accentuate the many obvious rewards our social order will reap upon the implementation of the aforementioned proposal, which are of the utmost importance.
The first and most dramatic consequence of tactical implantation would be to lower the total amount of the offending party, which has been a thorn in the side of true patriots and God fearing loyalists since the great founding. Considering those of a like mind to the Pretender Hussein incline to be the heartiest breeders, the total lessening of their stock will be wholly beneficial to our beloved land as a whole, making the population of expanding blackamoors, Castilians, orientals, esquimau, and their ilk, within manageable boundaries.
Of second import will be the effect a steadfast revenue achieved, possibly as a matter of precedent, can be afforded the opportunity to recompense their debtors, to the satisfaction of all concerned, especially those who hold their daily accommodations.
Thirdly, of the four million tiddlers of a necessitous nature aged two or more which have been previously equated, whose maintenance toll cannot fairly be calculated at less than one thousand dollars per annum, excluding nutritional subsistence, the country’s inherent value will increase by four billion yearly, not discounting the noble and primary services provided by said infants, which benefit the nation and it’s rightful leaders and upper stratum directly insomuch as to alleviate what was once an intolerable burden.
Of the fourth advantage, those impoverished who reproduce readily, inclusive of the monetary rewards earned by the merchandising of their progeny, will likewise see their respective freedoms advanced due to non encumbrance.
Fifthly, services rendered to those conscripting aforementioned labor will naturally benefit greatly, in personal and business terms, increasing the value of their own enterprises, and lessening the burden of their operating expenditures, savings that can be passed on to their own expenders, or not, according to their nature. The country itself will be to advantage, as to be expected, by both an aroused economic outlook, plus the reaping of elevated assessment.
Sixthly, the affect of the high state of eudaemonia due to the innate advantage put upon society as a whole function of said plan would be an inducement towards a holy union between close partners involved with the enterprise, as is their civic duty. Those sanctified couplings which bear fruit will be productive in bearing, and the maternal instinct abide with a huge incentive to care for and nourish their offspring, no matter what persuasion or bent, knowing full well their advancement will be favorable for all involved, a bonus rather than a burden. Indeed, matrons shall compete with each other to see who it is that can bring the youngsters of the most prodigious nature to market. Men will have interest in maintaining a glad household, rather than abandon it, as too often the case.
There are many other advantages to be harvested, not only to our glorious realm, but the entire biosphere of this world. Considering that humanity, in it’s wisdom, a magnanimous gift from our Lord, has decreased the total fauna aggregation by half from just four decenniums, the result attributing to ninety two percent less nutrients being deposited globally since the last Great Cold. Offerings of current livestock, which remain the greatest source of massive beasts, will not suffice, as they are penned, and do not roam. The contribution of millions of meandering babies cannot be understated.
It has been accorded the amount of wholly productive farms of said nature have degenerated from the times of the Great Communicator from two millions and forty eight thousands, to two million and eleven adduced just three years previously, derives a largely apparent decline in our nation’s ability to remain self sufficient, making the advantages of said proposal obvious.
If there be some form of critique inherent in this proposal, or any one expostulation towards hindrance, I can not fathom it, other than perhaps it currently is not in accordance with local or even national standard of law. However, history has proven time and time again that erstwhile jurisprudence has been formed at the behest of the timely circumstance that our great nation must face at any especial point of time, and is therefore more elastic in nature, as fits the particular need required, as it should in accordance with condition at hand, rather than a fixed and unending statute which may never be amended. And please, let’s not forget that the objective of this exercise to promote the utmost common good for the entire populace; to reduce the tendency of indolence, laziness, idleness, shiftlessness, and general inactivity in our young; and to instill the valid virtues of servitude, thraldom, industriousness, diligence, determination, assiduousness, concentration, and ardent work ethics that will no doubt be of great value to those participating for their entire existence on this planet. And please consider, dear hopeful adherents, the smashing advantage our single republic will own in comparison to those entities that are to timid to not make use of the populations in such a manner, particularly in this age of globalization in which we find ourselves. Bearing in mind the much less expensive disbursement of labor cost in most societies, this proposal shall give to us the advantage economically for once, while at the same time advance a robust sense of purpose within the assemblage of the entire country, lasting as long as this scheme is put to use, a supreme benefit that can not be counted to it’s full measure.
And so forth I reiterate, let no personage espouse or disconfirm to me, until at least they have endeavored in a favorable manner, to a great degree of substantial and sincere fortitude, a goodly effort to engage this notion.
I have to admit that I have spent a sizable continuum in assorted endeavors of a wholly unique and yet visionary quality, or so I have considered it, yet regrettably as of this moment none have taken hold and prospered. As to why I cannot grasp it. Perhaps the deeper import is lost to those without the proper fortitude to apprise the, to me, obvious advantage and chance to profit in large range. Indeed, at various times I have been met with a certain degree of discourtesy and offense. To these fatuous individuals I invite them to haphazardly fornicate with their person with outstanding fortitude and vigor.
Yet now that I have come upon this calculation, it is with great anticipation that it will bear no ill critique, and advance wholeheartedly once the idea has taken hold, it’s virtues multiplying after implementation to the point of exponential explosion culminating in a majestic benefit to our entire nation. Still, I am not so entrenched in my own estimations that if others offer dissimilar proposals that overshadow the rewards of mine, at the same or lesser cost to the common, then of course they must be fairly reviewed. But before other schemes are considered for effectuation, I humbly ask those who adjudicate to deliberate two essential points. Firstly, as things now stand we are hounded by the throes of millions of urchins who are altogether unavailing, who require constant care and nourishment, by those who can least afford to provide such. How will any alternative arrangement alleviate this sordid condition? Second, in what substantial manner will other mechanisms provide those it would influence the sense of pride, decency, independence, sustainability, and responsibility in those who at one time deemed themselves helpless and victims of happenstance, those who had no sense of cohesion, toward their own person, their biological collaborators, and community. Those who looked on as a burden, as indeed society at large in fact deemed them to be? These points must be addressed before serious regard be given upon any alternate course of action. And action, my friends, must be set in motion, for the occasion we presently find ourselves experiencing must be curtailed in some significant manner, through moral obligation, and economic necessity.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.
The End
