Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Now that we are approaching the end of the year every other Email I receive is asking me for a tax deductible donation. Now I subscribe to a great deal of political, scientific, social, and animal rights advocacy groups, from Think Progress and Common Dreams, to Americans United for Separation of Church and State and Amnesty International, to The Planetary Society and SpaceRef, to UNICEF, Children's International, and the ASPCA, and a host of others, and do what I can to support these fine institutions.
I also like to hug sequoias, and have suggested planting a couple in our garden out back, but no one takes me seriously.
However, I'm getting requests for year end money from people and organizations that I've never even heard of before, nor subscribed to, nor know anything about. I just checked my Email account a minute ago and the 3 in my In Box were all asking for cash, and I've never dealt with any of them. Oh yeah, about half of them use the old "contribute now and a matching donation will double your gift," ploy. Ploy #548.
Leave me alone. Isn't it enough I had to suffer through endless broadcasts of "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation?" Now for New Years I get this! Oh, how I long for January 1st, and back to some semblance of normality.
But I bitch too much, me thinks.
Speaking about getting back to normality, my lovely case manager, Erin, has returned to us safe and sound. I know this because I saw her yesterday when she called me a son of a bitch.
She's so cute and adorable.
I was standing by her office door waiting for her to come out of the restroom when I first saw her. She came walking up to me with her Iphone glued to her left ear. "Hi Rick," she said to me.
"Hi Erin," I replied, quite appropriately I think.
We entered her office and sat down. She said, "I'll call you back later," to whom ever it was she was talking to.
"How are you doing, Erin?" I asked.
"I'm doing great, Rick. I had a good time back home..."
"Oh, that's right... you were gone last week. I thought something seemed amiss, but just couldn't put my finger on what it was."
She knew I was teasing her, and laughed.
She briefly told me of her trip, which she seemed to have enjoyed very much. She liked looking out the window to see all of the snow that had fallen during the "Storm of the decade." She didn't like going out in it, but looking at it was just fine.
I had brought several items with me, some for Paul, who had not returned from his vacation as of yet. Perhaps tomorrow, which is actually today, as I write this.
I had brought Paul back the copy of Don DeLillo's "White Noise," which I had finished reading, and requested that Erin remind Paul that this was the second book of his that I had read, to his zero of mine that I had recommended to him.
"Even Beth said, 'He won't read "Slaughter House Five?"... It's such a little book,'" I told Erin.
"Okay, I'll tell him."
I also left him a DVD of "It Might Get Loud," a documentary concerning a get together of famous guitarists, including my favorite, Jimmy Page, and a DVD of Bruce Lee beating the crap out of everybody for two hours. Paul had expressed an interest in seeing it.
I had given one to Erin as well, so now she will be able to defend herself against the likes Chuck Norris and Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
I also gave Erin some DVDs, just for the pure sweet hell of it.
"What are we going to do for Garden Club, Rick?"
Well Erin, Hardy, and myself went out on that slightly overcast morning and raked up leaves, and generally cleaned up the back yard area. Daryl, Glen, and Lester made appearances, trying to hijack Erin into conversations that did not involve gardening. I had to physically intervene at times.
At one point Erin was chastising them for not attending Yoga class, saying, "And where were you last week for yoga, Hardy?"
And, "Where were you Lester, last week for yoga?"
I called out, "And where were you, Erin?" Of course she had been in New Jersey, looking at all of the snow.
She looked at me. "You son of a bitch, Rick. You know I meant two weeks ago."
I had to remind her this morning, after she had surprise captured me into a monthly case management session, that during the 17th century, being called a son of a bitch was cause to be challenged to a duel to the death.
"I'll shoot you, Rick," she said happily. "Just give me a gun."
Thanks for all of your support Erin.
I was already slightly annoyed with her this morning after I learned that she had deleted the comment I had made earlier on her Facebook page. We were eating breakfast burritos that I had made at the time. Eggs and mozzarella cheese, with chopped orange (rhymes with "door hinge") bell peppers. Yummy!
She had made this entry yesterday, "I'm insatiable," with no further explanation. Of course she must have been referring to the 1980 pornographic film, "Insatiable," starring Marilyn Chambers, and Serena, which I was completely unfamiliar with. So I asked her if this was what she was referring to on her wall.
"No! It was not what I was referring to, and your comment was not in the context of what I was trying to convey, so I deleted it, as well as another a friend of mine made."
Oh Erin, you're such a little control freak.
She tried to act all case managerish on me this morning as well, asking for her files what I have been doing with myself lately, and if I had made any progress.
"Progress? As compared to what?"
"You know... progress in making improvements in your life, and reaching goals..."
"Nope! No progress whatsoever, by golly. As a matter of fact, I refuse to make any progress just as a matter of principle."
"Bullshit," I think she said, or something of similar effect. "I know you're making progress, and I'm going to document it whether you like it or not."
"What kind of progress have you made..." I asked her.
"Oh no, we're talking about you! Okay, almost two hundred entries on your blog, getting out and meeting people, going to the Buddhist temple, mustache is coming along nicely..."
"Gee, might as well throw in winning the Pulitzer Prize while you're at it."
Paul isn't the only one whom I've loaned a book to to read. Erin at one time expressed a desire to learn more about Japanese culture, so I gave her James Clavell's masterpiece, "Shogun," which she has since refused to pick up. It's sitting on a bookshelf in her office right now... has been for months. It's sitting right alongside, "Slaughter House Five."
"You know, Erin, the story in Shogun involves a great love story," I had previously told her in a desperate attempt to get her to read the historical novel, as women tend to be interested in love stories. I don't know why.
It's true, the novel does involve a great, and tragic love story.
"I don't believe you, Rick. I think you're telling me that just to get me to read it."
"I would never do that Erin."
"Yes you would. I've got too many other books I'm reading right now," she said.
She was referring to the Twilight series of novels that are now currently in fashion with young people, young girls especially, and the two movies of the first two books of the series.
"I've seen both movies now, Erin, and I know why every teenage girl likes them so much, and why the last one has made over six hundred million worldwide."
"Oh yeah? Why?"
"Because every girl likes fantasizing about having these handsome vampire and werewolf guys fighting over them even though they're not all that hot.
"Yeah... vampires and werewolf guys with their shirts off."
"You may be right."
"I liked the first one, but not the second one at all."
Yes, really. The first film told the tale of a new girl in town trying to integrate into a high school environment, and becoming romantically involved with a hot vampire guy, who is supposedly a "perfect predator," and invincible and all that. Except when it came to other vampires, where he's portrayed as a bit of a wimp. The second film, which is currently in wide release, is... well I don't what it's about really, as the film doesn't have all that much of what you could call a plot, except that the gorgeous vampire guy (Erin thinks he's gorgeous. I think he looks like a heroin addict coming off a six month binge... who wears lipstick) leaves the girl for no good reason, but then keeps popping up in her life as some kind of ghostly figure, telling her not to do things. Oh yeah, and she hooks up with a lot of shirtless werewolf guys. And by the end of the film she's back with the vampire guy, who promises to turn her in to a vampire someday. Every girls dream.
"Yeah. I alternated between falling asleep and wanting to shoot myself in the head while watching it."
Erin laughed.
"You know Erin... In Shogun... there's a lot of Japanese teenage vampires in it."
She laughed again. "You're such a liar, Rick."
Well you can't blame a guy for trying.

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