Vernal Equinox

   You may not have noticed dear readers, but it happened just a few hours ago.

   At 9:57AM to be exact, my time. Or, if you prefer, three minutes to ten in the morning. 

   12:57PM in New York.

   What happened? Funny you should ask. As the title of this post strongly suggests, at 9:57AM the Earth experienced the Vernal Equinox (Vernal; adjective: of, in, or appropriate to spring. Equinox; noun: "equal night")  as the Sun crossed directly over the Earth's equator, thus signaling the end of winter up here in the Northern Hemisphere, and the beginning of spring!

   Isn’t it wonderful!

   Due to the 23.45 degree tilt of the Earth's axis in relation to the Sun’s ecliptic plane, if you lived in the Southern Hemisphere just the opposite would be true. You would be experiencing your Autumnal Equinox, thus signaling the end of summer, and the beginning of the fall, or autumn. We’ll have our very own Autumnal Equinox in September, September 22nd to be exact, at 7:29 PM... my time.

   10:29PM in New York.

   2:29AM September 23rd in Timbuktu.

   What’s up with that equal night business? Well when the Sun is positioned above the equator, day and night are about equal in length all over the world during the the two equinoxes. This statement is truer the closer you are to the equator, as latitude will contribute to the actual time that the disk of the Sun will appear in your horizon, thus marking the beginning of the day. But for Meivelyn Noemi Cacao Mendoza, the little 7 year old (soon to be a wise 8 year old in exactly 18 days) girl I sponsor through Children’s International, and who lives in Guayaquil, Ecuador, this statement is very true.

   As we examined during the Winter Solstice, our planet’s seasons manifest themselves due to that 23.45 tilt, and not the Earth’s distance from the Sun. If the Earth rotated on an axis perpendicular to the plane of the Earth's orbit around the Sun, there would be no variation in day lengths or temperatures throughout the year, and we would not have seasons, which would be sad.

   The Earth’s distance from the Sun does indeed vary because the Earth’s orbit around the Sun is not exactly circular, but elliptical, as Johannes Kepler discovered way back in 1605. Our average distance from it is  approximately 93 million miles, way too far to walk, even if you wanted to... which you don’t, trust me (A complete orbit of the Earth around the Sun occurs every 365.2563666 mean solar days (1 sidereal year). The orbital speed of the Earth around the Sun averages about 67,108.0888 miles per hour, which is fast enough to cover the 238,900 miles to the Moon in less than 4 hours. And you thought you were sitting still while reading this.     Viewed from directly above the north poles of both the Sun and the Earth, the Earth would appear to revolve in a counterclockwise direction about the Sun. From the same vantage point both the Earth and the Sun would appear to rotate in a counterclockwise direction about their respective axes).

   Now back to that ellipse. It does have an effect on the severity of the seasons, but over a long time frame. It has absolutely nothing to do with the equinox, yet it’s pretty cool, and does have a perceptible effect on each and every one of us, as it will our children, and our grandchildren, and so on, who will have to contend with a world polluted beyond belief and various degrees of global warming, because we worked so hard in their past to keep making money for the Charles and David Koch and Exxon.

   The degree of a planet's orbital ellipse is referred to as its eccentricity. What that means is that there are times of the year when the planet is closer to the sun than at other times. When the planet is closer to the sun, it receives more solar radiation. This theory (some say it’s not a “theory” like that nasty old evolution, but a fact that we can test... scientifically. Just turn on the stove in your kitchen and pretend it’s the Sun. Now pretend your hand is the Earth and move it closer to the hot stove. Pretty soon no doubt you’ll come to the realization that the closer you get to it the hotter your hand will be. See, isn’t science great! (Warning! Don’t do this at home)) is fairly fundamental.

   The point at which the Earth passes closest to the sun is called perihelion (mid 17th cent.: alteration of modern Latin perihelium (by substitution of the Greek ending -on ), from Greek peri- ‘around’ + hēlios ‘sun.’), and the point furthest from the sun is called aphelion (mid 17th cent.: alteration of modern Latin aphelium (by substitution of the Greek inflection -on ), from Greek aph' hēlion ‘from the sun.’).

   As it happens (“As it is supposed to happen,” Bokonon would say) the shape of the Earth's orbital eccentricity varies over time from being nearly circular (low eccentricity of 0.0034) and mildly elliptical (high eccentricity of 0.058). It takes just about 100,000 years for the Earth to undergo a full cycle. In times of high eccentricity, radiation exposure on the Earth can accordingly fluctuate more wildly between periods of perihelion and aphelion. Those fluctuations are likewise far milder in times of low eccentricity. Currently, the Earth's orbital eccentricity is at about 0.0167, which means its orbit is closer to being at its most circular, which has been advantageous for us humans during our 12,000 years, or so, on this planet as humans.

   What many people don't realize, and I certainly didn’t, is that the angle at which the Earth tilts varies according to a 40,000 year cycle. These axial variations are referred to as a planet's obliquity.

    For the Earth, the tilt of the axis varies between 22.1 and 24.5 degrees during this 40,000 year cycle. When the tilt is at a higher degree, the seasons can likewise be more severe. Currently the Earth's axial obliquity is at about 23.45 degrees — roughly in the middle of the cycle — and is in a decreasing phase.

   If all of this weren’t enough we’ve come to discover that the Earth “wobbles” on it’s axis. This is called the Earth’s precession. This can create a huge difference in the severity of the seasons, depending on whether you live in the Northern or Southern Hemisphere. For instance, if it is summer in the Northern Hemisphere when Earth is in perihelion, then that summer is likely to be more extreme. By comparison, when the Northern Hemisphere instead experiences summer in aphelion, the seasonal contrast will be less severe. 

   This “wobble” fluctuates on roughly a 21- to 26,000-year cycle. Currently, summer solstice in the Northern Hemisphere happens near aphelion, so the Southern Hemisphere should experience more extreme seasonal contrasts than the Northern Hemisphere, all other factors being equal.

   Personally I find it comforting to realize I live on a spinning, tilted, wobbling ball of rock and molten iron, protected by an atmosphere that is relatively as thin as the skin of an apple, circling a massive nuclear fusion reactor, which itself is spinning around a giant black hole in the center of the Milky Way galaxy at 492,125.984 miles per hour, which itself is moving at 1,342,161.78 mph with respect to cosmological frames of reference, toward the great Andromeda Galaxy, which we’ll probably bump into in 3 or 4 billion years or so.

   It makes me feel special.  

   Talking about special, what makes the Vernal Equinox so? 

   Well it’s the beginning of springtime, so our ancestors could stop all of that partying they’d been doing during the winter, and look forward to growing some more crops, or hunting again to get fresh food, and start planning for the next winter. It’s a pretty important time of the year and has been celebrated throughout the world. 

   For instance witches (real witches, not those fake ones on “Bewitched,” and ”Charmed”) and other neopagans observe the day as Ostara, a festival that celebrates the season's change from dark winter to brightening spring.

   The first day of spring marks the beginning of Nowruz, the Persian New Year. The celebration lasts 13 days, which would be a golden window of opportunity for war freaks like John McCain and Bill Kristol to attack Iran... to stop them from attacking someone with that nuclear bomb they don’t actually have. Get’em while they’re all whooped up on Baklava and yogurt juice.

   It is also probably no coincidence that the early Egyptians built the Great Sphinx so that it points directly toward the rising Sun on the day of the Vernal Equinox. A kind of seasonal alarm clock you might say.

   The coming of spring is important to those people who believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected 3 days after he was crucified, which a lot do (and we’ll be discussing this at some length very soon), because the celebration of this pivotal event for Christians, called Easter, always falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox, which will be April 20th this year.

   So happy spring, dear readers! We made it! Next up the mighty Summer Solstice, on June 21st!

   3:51AM my time. 

   10:51 in Timbuktu.

Happy Birthday Riki Lindhome!

Picture Legend:

1. Riki Lindhome
2. “Backseat Detour” 2001, first professional acting job
3. Riki in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 2002
4. “Embedded”
5. “Gilmore Girls”
6. “Million Dollar Baby”
7. “Pulse”
8.  During the tough early years when Kate and Riki had to share the tub
9. Saunders and French, another blonde and brunette!
10. I’m frightened
11. I’m happy again.
12. Playing
13. Once a month
14. Happy Birthday
15. I don’t know what to say about this picture... I’m quite frankly embarrassed about it
16. “My Best Friend’s Girl”
17. “Changeling”
18. “The Big Bang Theory”
19. “The Last House on the Left”
20. “Powder Blue”
21. “Hell Baby”
22. “Nuthin' But a Glee Thang”
23. Riki
24. Riki
25. Riki
26. Ms Lindhome

   This morning it is my great pleasure and honor to give a great big Joyce’s Take happy birthday shout out to one of my very favorite actresses, comedians, and singer/songwriter/performers, half of the mega group Garfunkel and Oates (I’m not sure which one she is, Garfunkel or Oates... no one knows... it might not even matter (Riki’s Garfunkel, Kate is, uuhhh, let’s see... Oates)), the lovely and incomparable Ms. Riki Lindhome (pronounced: Lind-Home).

   My very own mother used to call me Riki when she was alive, except she pronounced it Ricky. My sister still does.

   Erika "Riki" Lindhome was born at a very, very early age, as a tiny female infant, in 1979 (which makes her, uuhhh, 29 years old today) in Cooter Sport, Pennsylvania... what’s that Herkimer? It’s Coudersport, Pennsylvania. Not Cooter Sport? Oh my word, are you sure? Alright then, yes that does make a tremendous amount of difference, now doesn’t it. Sorry about that.

   It’s interesting how so much misinformation is propagated on the Internet. You see the biographical info on Wikipedia’s Garfunkel and Oates page puts Riki’s birth place in Portville, New York (42.0372° N, 78.3367° W), which is just a horrible place. It’s like the ninth circle of 

Hell really. Now she may have moved to New York, attending Portville Central School (Pride Creates Success), graduating as the class Salutatorian in 1997. That’s extremely possible. However, I believe Riki  once referenced to Pennsylvania as where she came from, and Cooter Sport’s own Wikipedia page states Riki was born there, so would they lie? No, of course not. And they must be very proud of Riki and her accomplishments to have included her... aside from the “Fuck Me in the Ass Because I love Jesus,” song. Or maybe because of it, who knows? I certainly don’t.

   Coudersport (41° 46′ 26″ N, 78° 1′ 7″ W, 41.773889, -78.018611) then, as most know was the very town Eliot Ness (who looked at lot like Kevin Costner), the American prohibition agent, and leader of the Untouchables (a group of eleven U.S. federal law enforcement agents, who from 1929 to 1931 worked to end Al Capone's illegal activities by pro-actively enforcing Prohibition laws against him and his organization, the name referring to the supposition that these men could not be bribed or corrupted) lived in when he keeled over after suffering a massive heart attack on May 16th, 1957, at the age of 54. Either that, or he was poisoned with polonium, we’re not sure which... probably the heart attack.

   It is also of course the home of a Scottish Rite Consistory, with over 5000 members. The Scottish rite’s being one of the appendant bodies of Freemasonry, Freemasonry being a fraternal organization that traces its origins to the local fraternities of stonemasons, which from the end of the fourteenth century regulated the qualifications of masons and their interaction with authorities and clients and who are bent on world domination.

   You may not believe this but Riki is of Swedish descent. Not much else is known of her formative years, except that she and her family (I assume that she took her family along with her) moved around a lot when she was a child. 

   We do know that Riki attended Music Camp  (not to be confused with Band Camp) when she was 8 years old and in the 5th grade. We know that she was very popular and already had a boyfriend (this would be trend which would continue off and on through out her life... up to very present. At the time of the Amoeba Incident, for instance, she apparently was dating someone named ”Reed.” So the urge to mate is certainly manifest gentlemen... why I’d be after her myself if she were a little younger) named Dante, who may or may not have authored “The Divine Comedy, ” a book of some significance... but most likely not.

    “I think I might be allergic to crushes. Whenever I have one, I feel gross, go to bed and when I wake up it's gone.”

   There she met a young Kate Micucci (pronounced: My-Coochie), who we will celebrate later this month! How exciting!

   Kate was not as popular as Riki, and she cried a lot. We also know she had been playing the piano for a number of years, and would soon be learning how to play the trombone, later becoming a ukulele, kazoo, helicon tuba, and  Erhu virtuoso.  

   She reminds me of my first wife, Michelle, who had the unique ability to play the piano and trumpet, while juggling three bowling balls, all at the same time. Not an easy feat, I assure you.

   We know that Riki plays the guitar, kazoo, castanets, flute and the 164 string Sitka spruce Chrysalis. Possibly other instruments as well. 

   At the appropriate time Riki attended Syracuse University, which is in New York. While there she displayed an early flair for comedy by joining the sketch group "Syracuse Live."

   “Next time I pee in the shower, I'm gonna double check that no one's about to join me.”

   Yes.

   After graduating from SU in 2000, she decided to pursue an acting career, and came out to Los Angeles, where I live, and where the entertainment industry is supposedly centralized. Without an agent, she was able to secure the lead female role in the 12 (some say 18) minute short film, “Backseat detour,” in 2001, her very first professional acting job. I don’t know if she got paid for it, but it was her first job. The film was about a college freshman, Catie who finds herself trapped in the back seat of her parents’ station wagon on the way to Thanksgiving dinner, a “tale of family dysfunction at the holiday season.” 

   Well I’m sure most people can relate to that.

   In 2002 she appeared on an episode of Christopher Titus’s “Titus.” Riki played Charlie, a girl who jilted her female lover Amy, who then turned suicidal, in the episode entitled "Errrr." 

   I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that as well.

   She got a part on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the T.V. show, (not the film which had the real Buffy, our friend Kristy Swanson in it), on an episode entitled “Him," which aired November 5th of 2002, playing Cheryl, a cheerleader who is just one of many girls who fall madly (madly) in love with some football player who wears an a jacket that acts as an aphrodisiac.

   Again... most people I think can re... ahhh, skip it.

   In 2003 Riki got her first big break, when anti-war activist and Academy Award winning actor, Tim Robbins asked her to appear in the stage production of “Embedded,” a play he wrote, directed, and starred in, the over achieving bastard. The play “chronicles the war in Iraq through satire and commedia dell'arte masks. It also pokes fun at neo-conservatives such as Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld.” It was produced by Robbin’s 's Actor's Gang theater group, and Riki played a character named Gondola, and Journalist. Gondola represented former Secretary of State and war criminal, Condoleezza Rice. Riki got the role, in part, because of her close resemblance to Condi.

   Riki spent a year and a half with the play, and traveled all over the place. But, you know, you can get awfully tired doing the same thing 8 times a week for a year and a half, and says she likes performing in Garfunkel and Oates more because she can “do what we want.”

   I wholeheartedly agree.

   Between 2002 and 2006 she had a recurring role on 5 episodes of the television show, "Gilmore Girls," which starred the lovely and talented Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. She played a classmate of Alexis named Juliet.

   In 2004, Riki among with 3 other actors from “Embedded,” got parts in Clint “Shoot E’m in the Back” Eastwood’s “Million Dollar Baby,” which also starred Clint, Morgan Freeman, and Hilary  Swank in an Academy Award winning performance. The film itself won the Academy Award for Best Picture, in large part, I believe, due to Riki’s contribution, playing Hilary’s opportunistic and baby clad sister, Mardell.

   See how easy it is to make it in Hollywood ladies. Just come on out and start working... you don’t even need an agent!

   Using all the mediums at her disposal, Riki has appeared in a few commercials I’m told, though I don’t recall seeing her in any, I’m sure the rumor is true. I believe she’s tried to sell us on McDonald's McGriddle, a tasty breakfast sandwich consisting of mouth watering and nutritious  bacon, egg and American cheese served on a small pancake made with maple flavoring guck. Both the top and bottom griddle cakes are embossed with the McDonald's logo. 

   How fun!

   Those commercials first aired in March of 2005. She’s also attempted to sell us on the GM Saturn automobile (which is a car I actually like, and would be proud as punch to drive if I drove, but I don’t), and nutritious Miller beer, which everyone knows, tastes like tap water that’s been fracked.

   Good try though Riki!

      “Why’s she called the Little Mermaid. She’s like a full grown mermaid, right?”

   She is a full grown mermaid, Riki. I don’t know why they call her that. As Geoffrey Rush said in “Shakespeare in Love,” it’s a mystery.

   Riki would quit fooling around and get busy in 2006. 

   She maxed out 5 new credit cards and produced a 3 part short film entitled, “Life is Short” (which can be seen, here, here, and here), which she wrote, and co-directed along with some guy who looks like one of the dwarves from “The Hobbit" films, Dori Oskowitz. The films stars Samm Levine (who would later instruct both Riki and Kate in the delicate art of the “hand job” while sitting on Riki’s couch, which can be seen right here. Kate has recently assured us that ”We’are really good at giving hand jobs now,” which of course is good to know),  the lovely and talented Kim Director (the healthy bank robber from “Inside Man”),  Alexis Bledel, and “Family Guy’s” Seth MacFarlane, as the evil Dr. Ned (Seth, I’m happy to say, is also the executive producer of the upcoming series “Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey,” which begins this Sunday, at  9:00PM, unfortunately on Fox. It seems Seth has an interest in science. Great job Seth!)

    “My porn name would be Kissimmee St. Cloud.”

   Okay, Riki, okay.

   2006 also saw her appearing as a car rental lady in the T.V. show “Heros,” and washing clothes with Christina Milian in the horror film “Pulse.” 

   In 2007 she was on one of my new favorite television shows that have been canceled, “Pushing Daisies,” which stars the lovely Anna Friel (who is British, but sounds absolutely bewitching with an American accent), and the bewitching Kristin Chenoweth. Riki played Jeanine, who handed out daisies while dressed as a dandelion, while working for Dandy Lion Worldwide Industries, which had developed a car the ran on dandelions. She also bagged Chi McBride’s last piece of pie by using various adorable facial expressions. 

   I know this to be true as I recently saw the episode, which was entitled, “Dummy,” by the way, and which happened to be the 2nd episode of the shows first of two seasons, and directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, of “The Addams Family” and Men in Black” films.

   My reaction to her performance was such that I felt the need to leave this message on her Facebook page: “Just saw you on ‘Pushing Daisies.’ You were so cute I had to throw up.” 

   High praise indeed.

   That year she also appeared briefly in Nickelback’s music video “Rockstar” (which can be seen, here), appearing as a bikini clad girl on a beach, lip sinking the words “they'll get you anything with that evil smile,” while smiling.

   Now I don’t usually listen to bands that appeared after Led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull, because they are of little consequence (except for Venus Hum and Sophie B Hawkins). I still maintain that the band Arrowsmith is a brash upstart ripoff of Zeppelin. Yet I really enjoyed this song, and Riki’s appearance made it that more worth watching and listening to.  

   Yes, I know. I need to get out more.

   Her brother, Tim Lindhome has been the drummer for the band, Navar.

   Let’s see, what else happened in 2007? Oh yeah, she met this girl named Kate.

   The two met at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, here in L.A., where they were introduced to one another by the comic Doug Benson. 

   They discovered they each played instruments and wrote music. In 2009, they collaborated in the short film “Imaginary Larry,” written and directed by Riki and that dwarf guy, and starring Riki, Kate, Malcolm Barrett, Ryan Devlin, and Christopher Stewart, and can be seen right here. 

   And from this fortuitous meeting and collaboration, Garfunkel and Oates emerged, and the rest is history... which I will recount.    

   Garfunkel and Oates is named after two famous pop music "sidekicks," Art Garfunkel (of Simon and Garfunkel) and John Oates (of Hall and Oates). The hit song “Fuck You,” came out of “Imaginary Larry,” and was their first Internet hit, and can be seen in it’s entirety right here. 

   “Described by the Wall Street Journal as the "Female Flight of the Conchords," Garfunkel and Oates are the funniest all-girl musical comedy team working today. Unlike some other musical comedy duos, Micucci and Lindhome aren't limited by a concept or shtick -- their funny, catchy songs work as extended jokes on a number of observational topics, ranging from the self-superiority of pregnant women to the lame arguments of same-sex marriage opponents. They start with a clever, original idea for a joke and expand it outward through song.” -Patrick Bromley, reporter with the Sun-Times News Group and DVD critic.

   Kate maintains that the two of them are very different, she and Riki, contrary to public perception. I know this for a fact. For example, Riki is adorned with long, lustrous blonde hair. Kate’s hair is dark, lustrous and short. How much more different can you get then that?!

   As a female musical-comedy duo, Garfunkel and Oates joins the ranks of ... Laverne and Shirley?! Lucy and Ethel? Possibly, though they didn’t do a whole lot of singing. Thelma and  Louise? No. 

   Hand job addict Samm Levine, suggested the British comedic duo Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders. He can be seen suggesting that in this nice two hour clip of Kevin Pollock’s Chat Show, which features Kate and Riki, and can be seen right here.

   Kevin Pollock? Yeah, the actor and comedian... the buzz kill lawyer from “A Few Good Men.”

   Garfunkel and Oates became an Internet sensation, (Riki at first had put their videos on You Tube without telling Kate) and began performing live in August of 2009 in Seattle. They’ve turned into highly demanded international superstars (Kate couldn’t believe that the audiences in Australia knew their songs, forgetting they’re Internet sensations). 

   Here’s some examples of their stuff:

   The presumptuous song “I’ll Never Have Sex with You,” here.

   That anal sex for the Lord song, here.

   And of course “Pregnant women are smug,” here.

   They are smug. 

   Bitches.

   “I keep trying to talk but no one can hear me over the sound of my uterus.”

   Okay.

   I want all of you to know that Riki is not just a beautiful and talented actress, and writer, and director, and singer, and song writer, and musician, and performer, oh no, she’s multi-talented as well, and also likes miniature golf on occasion... and is very civic minded, as this Public Service Announcement demonstrates, which can be seen here. 

   One year after they began performing the entertainment-trade magazine Variety named Garfunkel and Oates as one of the Top 10 Comics to Watch in 2010... which is pretty cool. Riki attributes their quick rise to fame, in part, to their gender, there being what can be considered a “dearth” of female musical-comedic duos, which gives them an edge on all of those male musical-comedic duos.

   Even though Riki is very busy with Garfunkel and Oates, she has not let her acting career languish... oh hell no!

   In 2008 she was in the film “My Best Friend's Girl,” which also stars Kate Hudson and Dane Cook in minor roles. This is the film in which I first became aware of Riki. The first time I ever saw her. She played a vulnerable single girl looking for a sincere relationship, and she did it so well... well, I kind of fell in love with her (platonically of course), right then and there. 

   She was just so sweet and innocent in that film, when in actuality we all know what a trashy whore she is (and I say that with love (platonic of course)), which is a testament to her astounding acting abilities. 

   So I found out who she was, and have followed her career ever since.    

   “Eating bananas in public is so embarrassing. I should have done it before I left the house.” 

   I have the same problem with Kiwi!

   That year she did Clint Eastwood another favor and starred in “Changeling,” with Brad Pitt’s wife. 

   Now I just saw this film a couple of nights ago while I was working away on my computer like a fiendish devil, after having not seen it for many years. It was on FXM, the Fox Movie Channel. And as I watched I said to myself, “That nurse sure looks a lot like Riki Lindhome.”

   By golly! It was Riki Lindhome! There’s a picture of her having friendly chat with Angelina Jolie above.

   There’s also a picture of her on “The Big Bang Theory,” above, from 2008. 

   I’ll have to watch that show sometime.

   In 2009 Riki amazed us yet again, playing against her sweet nature as one of the villains in a remake of “The Last House on the Left.” 

   She frightened me.

   I’m still frightened.

    “I want to write a love song called ‘The One That I Got Away From.’”

   Okay, I feel better now.

   She was in “Powder Blue,” with Forest Whitaker, Patrick Swayze (making his last appearance on film), Ray Liotta, Lisa Kudrow, Kris Kristofferson, and Jessica Biel.

   She’s done lot’s more work on television as well, guest starring on shows like “Criminal Minds,” “Bones,” “Three Rivers,” “Nip/Tuck,” “House,” “Drop Dead Diva,” “$#*! My Dad Says,” “United States of Tara,” “Love Bites,” “Enlightened,” “New Girl,” and “Monsters vs. Aliens.”

      “What cream should I use to make it look like I sleep at night?”

   I don’t know Riki. I just don’t know.

   In 2012 she tried out that Shakespeare dude in a “modern remake” of “Much Ado About Nothing.”

   Riki was in last year’s “Hell Baby,” which is like my new favorite film of all time! (screw “Citizen Kane!”) I don’t know why it’s my new favorite, but I have certain scene’s on my computer’s speed dial.

   By the way, here is a link to Riki’s official website, and Garfunkel and Oates website can be found right here. 

   Alright, I know all of my readers want to know about what has been referred to as the Amoeba Incident, or if you prefer, the Incident at Amoeba. 

   Amoeba Records in Hollywood is a wonderful store where one can find all kinds of musical stuff. Old fashioned records, DVDs, CDs, books, posters. They claim to be the world’s largest independent Record Store. I’ve been there myself!

   Well Kate and Riki visited one day, and this is what happened. 

   Did you see that?!

   Now what they might not know, after buying all of that stuff, is that they could have got it all  for free, everything they had, by downloading it from the Internet, utilizing a few simple techniques... that I sometimes may or may not use. 

   Think of the money they could have saved!

   Now I’m not saying that I have ever, ever done that... just that it’s possible, that’s all.

   Of course I’ve never done that... it may be illegal. 

   Forget I mentioned it. 

   Okay, we’ll finish up with this:

   In 2011 Riki co-wrote a Glee-themed parody of Snoop Dogg's “Nuthin' But a G Thang,” (I actually know who Snoop Dogg is from his  pistachio commercials) called “Nuthin' But a Glee Thang,” in which we get to see “Modern Family’s” Sofía Vergara say a bad word, and which can be seen here.  

   Finally, I have to say that of all of the birthday tributes I’ve researched and written this was one of the most pleasurable and satisfying, mainly due no doubt to the fun loving, exquisite nature of the subject.

   And it goes without saying that all of us here at Joyce’s Take (me and my invisible cat Herkimer) wish Riki continued good health and fortune, and a very happy birthday!

   Happy birthday Riki!

Skid Row Diary 22

28   August   Thursday  2003    Day 47

   Giselle was wearing a lovely black dress today, which made me very happy.

   I had woke and showered at 7:30, and a good thing to as the maid came right at 8. A day late, she must have been making up for lost time. I went down to breakfast.

   Scrambled eggs and a sausage patty thing that was intended to look like spare ribs. I sat at a table in the back of the dining hall by myself. Someone had left a full tray of food at that table. I finished my eggs, then ate those on the abandoned tray since no one else had come to claim them.

   I like eggs.

   I returned to my freshly cleaned room and began to write. While writing it occurred to me that I might get a session in with my caseworker, and I went to see if she was free.

   She was! As usual she made it seem like she was doing me a big favor by seeing me, she being so busy and all.

   I told her that I was starting school next week and that I might need some cash for books.

   “Have you seen Larry?” she asked.

   “Yeah, I saw him. He sent off my resume to one job, said he’d look into some others. He also said he’d look into the CWT program for me. I’ll be doing that at ASAP as well.”

   “Did he talk to you about interviewing?”

   “Interviewing? No, not really.”

   She frowned. “I wanted him to talk to you about interviewing,” she said. “You’ve been getting a lot of interviews, but not a job. Maybe you’re not interviewing well.”

   I hadn’t been getting a lot of interviews, but Labren will think what she wants to think no matter what I say.

   “We cover interviewing in the super search meetings, pretty much.” I told her. “I’ll be seeing him there at ten o’clock.”

   “What do you think?”

   “What do I think about what?”

   “Do you think you interview okay?”

   “Yeah. I don’t think that’s the problem. I think the market is flooded with young people who can do customer service. After all, it’s not brain surgery. Employers don’t seem to care about prospective employees having a lot of experience. The eight hundred number to block telemarketers will soon be in service which will also complicate things.”

   “Good,” she said, deviating from my point. “I can’t stand those telemarketers.”

   “Yeah,” I said.

   She checked again for the last time she had checked my urine. She didn’t find anything since I’ve never been tested at the Weingart. Instead of testing me herself she called Dr Yu at ASAP, and asked for him to call her back.

   We said goodbye, and I went down to the super search meeting.

   I found Gary Porch waiting outside. He thinks he has to attend these meetings now, so we sat next to each other. 

   He was telling me an engaging story about how one time he had been stopped on the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) at 3:30AM by the police, while walking a dachshund on a leash in his undershorts. He wasn’t able to recall where it was exactly he had acquired the dog, or where his clothes had gotten to. Fortunately, Gary concluded, the dog had it’s owners name and address printed on a tag it was wearing on a collar. It was subsequently returned to it’s rightful owners. 

   I happen to like dachshunds. My childhood pet, Buttons, was a dachshund. We slept through the 1971 Sylmar earthquake together, her resting between my outstretched legs.   

   The meeting began and Richard Cairns reviewed some items regarding interviewing, specifically on how to answer the innocuous “Tell me a little about yourself.”

   Richard is a man within his element. Very smart, witty, elegant. I like him. I feel he is sincere in his desire to help people who want to get a job, and knows what he is talking about. We’re happy to have him. He does tend to lecture though, and I wondered about what had happened to him to bring him to this... how shall I put this delicately... pisshole.

   Perhaps I’ll ask him sometime, but not today. 

   After the meeting I returned to my lonely room and wrote for a bit. At 12:15 I checked in at the dinning hall and decided to skip lunch. Instead I walked to the V.A. Clinic.

   Two representatives from the L.A. Vets were guests at Kathy’s Phase II meeting. They spoke briefly of the veterans housing facility in Inglewood. I’ve heard it before.

   One of them gave me a dirty look when I refused to give them my social security number and date of birth on their separate sign in sheet. What reason could they possibly have for requesting that information? I don’t like giving the IRS my social security number let alone L.A. Vets.

   After they left Kathy briefly spoke of the Mars occlusion. She seems to believe in astrology, and feels that the “magnetic” pull of the planets affects our precious body fluids. “After all,” she said, “the moon affects the tides.”

   She’s right about that of course. If she replaced the word “magnetic” with “gravitational,” then she’d be spot on. 

   As far as affecting individuals, it is debatable that the moon has had any affect on human evolution other than keeping our ancestors up at night when it was full and providing the maximum amount of reflected sunlight. The other planets certainly had no detectable influence on us at all. Only the sun, which provides heat and light, and the occasional meteorite or comet that impacts with the Earth’s surface has any appreciable affect on us. 

   I did not attempt to educate her. It wasn’t the place or the time. But I really wanted to let her know that astrology is to astronomy, what blood letting is to antibiotics.

   Next, I dashed to Arco Plaza to check my mail (nothing), and buy my monthly buss pass (required each 30 days or so due to the moon’s magnetic phase cycle).

   To school after that. I took the Red Line from 7th Street to Vermont and Santa Monica Blvd. On my way to the business office I ran into Mike, a young white guy about my age, but not as good looking as I am. 

   I spent a good part of last year living in the same building as Mike, Harbor Light at 5th and Central. He was closer to Kevin Donaldson than he was with me. Kevin had made headlines recently by climbing to the top of a large construction crane at L.A. and 2nd Street, and threatening to jump off. However we usually ate at the same table if we found ourselves in the dinning room together. 

   He had just finished a nurse’s aid class, learning how to provide aid and comfort for lovely young nurses. He was dissatisfied with that position however, saying it was no challenge to him. He now wanted to become a registered nurse himself, and have aid and comfort provided to him. 

   I wished him luck, and told him I’d more than likely see him at a Drifter’s Meeting, as he usually pours the coffee at in the evening. 

   At the business office I found a long, slow moving line waiting for me. That’s what I got, I told myself, for waiting to the last minute to get things done.

   I got in line, joining my fellow students. Quite an eclectic group I must say. 

   As I got to about the fourth place from the window, a young, bearded man wearing shorts jumped in line ahead of everyone and began to take care of his business. He had not been in our line, but had been standing next to it near the front. What amazed me was that the guy who he had jumped directly ahead of let him get away with this, thereby not only inconveniencing himself, but everyone else behind him... all of us legitimate line standers.

   If he had jumped ahead of me I’m afraid I would have trounced the young upstart, or at least I would have voiced my objection strenuously in a clear, unambiguous manner. My tolerance for people who cut in lines is non-existent.

   I finally made it to the window. A nice black lady asked me for a dollar, and I gave her one. She in turn gave me a fee receipt, and class schedule. I had thought the charge was $8, and was pleasantly surprised. 

   I had heard someone talking about the Cub Card while waiting in line. That’s the school I.D. card, and I figured I better get one so I could use the school’s computers, and be admitted to other activities.

   It took about five minutes to find that office, and another five to fill out a form and have my picture taken. The photo turned out rather well, although my ears looked huge. They’re not big and floppy in reality, just floppy.

   Business done, I returned to the Weingart.

   I spent the remainder of the evening in deep meditation, until 12:30 in the morning, when I stopped, and switched on the T.V. to Conan O'Brien interviewing Jerry Lewis, one of my favorite comedians as a child. I was shocked to see he had turned into Buddy Hackett, having gained approximately 3 million pounds. I thought it was a joke at first, and that he was wearing a fat suit, but it was no joke.

   I like my comedians lean and mean.

   Fortunately, I will never have to worry about becoming fat. My ego will never allow it. I know this to be true, as I’ve tried to get fat before and couldn’t do it. 

   I went to sleep and dreamt I was in a school room, and Catherine Bell, the beautiful and talented star of “Bruce Almighty,” and “J.A.G.” was my teacher. She was wearing an Indian elephant shirt and pants. I had brought her a nice shinny apple and she showed me her pierced belly button while patting me on the head.

29    August   Friday  Day 48

   I spent today in quiet meditation. I ate when I was hungry. I went to the bathroom when needed. I took a shower. 

   Just past midnight I ceased my communication with the infinite emptiness and retired to my bed. I dreamt I was in a small row boat with Brittany O’Connell, the lovely and talented star of such films as, “Birthday Bash,” “The Drifter.” She was dressed in shorts and a halter top, and I had to stand over her during the day in order to protect her fair skin from the blistering Sun’s rays. We were near the middle of the mighty Pacific, just east of the Marshall Islands. Great hammerhead sharks (Sphyrna mokarran) circled around us and we caught several for food. I would just jump in and wrestle with them until they got tired and gave up. 

   We would hold each other at night to keep warm, and count the stars in the sky above.

30  August   Saturday    Day 49

   “Man suffers because of his craving to possess and keep forever things which are essentially impermanent. Chief among these things is his own person, for this is his means of isolating himself from the rest of life, his castle into which he can retreat from which he believes he can assert himself against external forces.   -Alan Watts   

  

   Off to Trimar again today, a needed trip in order to pay for tomorrow’s movies.   

   I woke late however, 8:30, or so, and by the time I started moving I was quite rushed to shower, dine on some tasty Top Ramen, clean my lonely room, and get dressed by the 9:30 deadline to sign in at the front desk. 

   Heaven forbid I go down and do it ahead of time, and make two trips.

   I made it with five minutes to spare.

   At the 99 Cent Store in Van Nuys I picked up some nice coffee, 2 cans of spaghetti rings, 1 can of French cut green beans, 2 note books, 150 sheets of blank paper used to write on, microwave popcorn, pre-poped popcorn (what a great idea!), cheese flavored, 1 blank VCR tape, and 9 packages of Top Ramen (mostly of the chicken variety, as this seems to be the tastiest).

   I walked two blocks east on Vanowen from Van Nuys Blvd. to get a jump on all of those waiting at the Van Nuys Blvd. bus stop, and sat down behind a tree to take out, and re-arrange all of my 99 Cent Store goods in an orderly manner, making them easier to transport, when the bus I was waiting for rushed by without stopping. I ranted. I raved. I did that for a full two minutes. It didn’t do any good at all.

   I walked further east to Hazeltine to wait for the next bus.    

   It was a hot day, and I stood in the shade of a telephone pole while waiting, watching the activities of the busy Van Nuys Plywood and Lumber Company across the street. 

   Many people were in need of fresh wood today.

   The next bus eventually came and delivered me to Trimar. It was only half as busy as it was last week. The silly movie “Daredevil,” starring Jennifer Garner was on (I was very sorry I had missed the beginning of the film, but had to wonder why blindness, which is normally a very debilitating disability, gave Ben Affleck special acrobatic and fighting powers? Are all blind people secretly harboring these powers? Is the use of seeing eye dogs just a ruse? I can understand that his sense of hearing is extraordinarily keen, but this Daredevil guy can do things the men’s US Olympic Gymnastic Team can’t do... and they practice!), to be followed by “The Tuxedo,” starring the lovely and talented Jennifer Love Hewitt (the aesthetic value of the beginning of the film opening with a close up of a dear urinating into a mountain stream, transitioning into a montage of said water being processed for human consumption, can not be overstated).

   My lovely friend Aurica stuck me today. She seemed distant at first, but warmed up considerably after I asked her how her birthday had been (it’s so easy to manipulate women when you know how. It’s so easy to do anything when you know how).   

   “Oh, it was very good!” she said. “Many, many, friends came over. And we go to Santa Barbara. At first I want to have quiet day, but lots of my friends, even from Romania, came, and we have such a good time. I enjoy so much!”

   She lightly chastised me for not putting enough vitamin E on the scar tissue within the nook of my left arm, yet she had no trouble inserting the needle. 

   She wished me luck with school, and to have a happy holiday, before taking off for lunch.

   Even Anna, the Viking/Wagnerian blonde, co-owner of Trimar, said hello to me today.

   “Hello, Richard.” (she calls me Richard) “How are you? Are you ready for a good Labor Day?”

   “No ma'am.”   

   She’s never done that before. I must have looked especially handsome.

   I have since discovered that the Daredevil, the blind superhero played by Ben Affleck, was taking a shortcut home when he was a small child, and was blinded after toxic waste spilled over his eyes, which happened to enhance his other senses, and gave him sonar that allowed him to “see” through the use of sonic vibrations. He then used his super sense to teach himself martial arts.

   So he’s sort of like a handsome Toxic Avenger.

   Well I’m certainly glad we’ve cleared that up.

   And thank goodness for toxic waste!

   When I was finished, I left. I bought a Super Lotto ticket at 7 Eleven, then waited for the bus. 

   It is true. I could have used my super awareness of space and time to ascertain the lotto winning number, but that would have been unethical.

   I made good time back to the Weingart, and got a good deal of writing done. There was not a lot to watch on television this evening, so I tried to watch “Election,” starring the lovely and talented Reese Witherspoon, but the cassette jammed, and kept turning the VCR’s power off every time I put it in. I ranted. I raved for about one minute. It did no good.

   I threw the tape away.

   I read Wednesday’s paper and watched an NBC blooper show, which forced me to chuckle.

   I tried to read  the last story from King’s “Everything’s Eventual,” before sleep overwhelmed me, but was unsuccessful.

   Surprisingly I had a dream. I dreamt I was skiing down the Matterhorn (which is a big mountain  on the border between Switzerland and Italy, and is not at all easy to ski down. I would go so far as to say it’s downright hard) in between Reese Witherspoon and Renee Summers, the lovely and talented star of such films as “Sweet Feet,” and “Stiff Magnolias.” We were doing splendidly until a tree came out of nowhere and did a Sonny Bono on me. The girls didn’t seem to notice and continued their swift descent, their hair flowing back in the self manufactured breeze.

31   August   Sunday   Day 50

   I got up at 5:04 and quickly showered. I then took a bag full of dirty laundry to the washer and started a load. I returned to my room and wrote for a half hour before going to check my laundry. It was just beginning the last spin cycle. I noticed that someone had come and started the dryer. I checked to make sure it wasn’t my clothes in there. It wasn’t. About 10 white undergarments were being dried. Great, I thought to myself. Now I’ll have to wait for them to finish before I can dry my clothes.

   A black guy, about my age, with slightly gray hair, came and stood outside of the laundry room waiting for something. I didn’t say anything to him, nor he to me. He had a bag of clothes with him, and as soon as the washer stopped and I put my wet clothes on top of the dryer, he began loading up the washer with his clothes.

   I returned to my room and continued writing. I had a fair idea about what was about to happen, and got a little angry. 

   Before his load had finished washing, I returned to the laundry room and sat at station outside the door. The other gentleman showed up at regular intervals to check on his clothes. As soon as the washer stopped it's last cycle, he came, checked the clothes in the dryer, and said to me, “The dryer’s still going. I’m going to put these into the dryer.”

   “No. You’re not going to hijack the dryer! You can dry the clothes that are in there, wait, like I’ve had to wait for you, until my clothes are finished, then you can dry the rest of your stuff.”

   Of course he began to rant and rave like a little bitch. “Hijack the dryer?! How can I hijack the dryer when I’m already using it? I’m going to put my clothes in...” bla, bla, bla.

   If the circumstances had been different I would have just decked him, but I wasn’t about to get thrown out of the Weingart over a load of laundry. I have too many books to look after. Too many possessions that I have which possess me.

   “I’m going to call security,” I told him.

   “Go ahead. Call security. I don’t care.”

   What a little bitch.

   I called security from the phone in the lobby and told them they’d better get up here as there was an altercation in the laundry room.

   “Okay. First off, I’m going to warn you that if you two get into a fight you’re both going to get thrown out...”

   “I know sir,” I told him. “That’s why I called you.”

   The security man, a young black kid, was up there via the elevator before I got off the phone. He was talking to the security guard downstairs over his radio.

   “Let the guy whose clothes were in the washer first finish,” his boss was instructing him.

   While I was away my tormentor had put his clothes into the dryer, and started it up.

   The young security guard listened to both of our stories, and then ignored his bosses instructions, allowing the other guy to continue to dry his clothes, stating, “I can’t tell him to stop drying his clothes since you weren't using the machine when he started, and as soon as his cycle ends you can dry yours.”

   “But he’s put in another token, probably! It’ll be another hour!”

   “Did you put in another token?” the security guard asked him.

   “No,” and opened his palm to show a spare token, as that were some kind of proof.

   “There, you see,” the security guard said to me.

   “See what?! How do you know he didn’t? You’re gonna take his word for it? Okay, the dryers been running for fifty minutes at least now. It should stop within the next ten minutes. Will you come back to make sure?”

   “Yeah.”

   He didn’t. I parked myself outside of the laundry room door until 7:30 writing and reading from Stephen King. At the time it was painfully obvious that a second token had been administered, and that I had lost this little battle.

   I went down to breakfast. Boiled eggs and sausage.

   When I passed the laundry room on my way back, he was in there folding his nice dry clothes.

   “Hey,” he called. “I put your clothes in the dryer.” He was all nice now. “You might want to put another token in. I don’t know how long this cycle will last.”

   “Thanks,” I told him. I put another token in, and said, “I didn’t mean to start a whole big altercation...” I put out my hand and we shook.

   I didn’t know why I did that. Automatic reaction I guess. It wasn’t merited when I thought about it later, although it may prove useful in the future.

   Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

   How mature of me.

   That guy was just lucky I didn’t have my paint ball gun with me.

   I continued to write. At one point I walked to the Hollywood Mart to buy a Sunday paper. I used that paper to discover what time “Jeepers Creepers 2“ began at City Walk. 11:00 AM sharp.

   At 8:45, I checked my clothes, which were dry. I collected them, folded them, and put them away.

   I grabbed my pre-poped popcorn (cheese flavored) and backpack, and took off for my date with the enigmatic Creeper. 

   Ebert and Roper panned the film, when I saw their decidedly biased review later in the day, but they are not fans of the entire horror genre, and their opinion should be dismissed out of hand.

   Yeah Robert! And I don’t care for all of those cheap little, foreign, independent movies that you find so “fresh” and “exhilarating!”

   Based on a true story, I’m told, the sequel to 2001's “Jeepers Creepers” was inventive, well produced with the help of  Francis Ford Coppola and George Lucas’s American Zoetrope, well acted, and scary. The Creeper, is a fresh and exhilarating new type of monster, and considering Hollywood still cranks out dozens of vampire and werewolf movies a year it’s nice to have something that’s original. 

   I agree with the two critics though about having some more information on the etiology of this creature... or even investigate or attribute the cause or reason for it, if that could be done. We know it possess a human type intelligence because it can whistle and wears a hat, but that’s about all except that it’s really hard to kill (a trick I’d like to learn), if indeed it’s possible at all.             

   Was it once human? I don’t know! Do you?

   I did find the fortuitous circumstance, that one of the characters, portrayed by the lovely and talented Nicki Aycox, who suddenly comes upon a brand new psychic ability that allows her to lift certain facts from the first film, into the second, rather fortuitous, and possibly, just possibly, a little too convenient as well, but other than that the rest of the film was completely plausible, and I for one won’t be found driving around at night in whatever county the movie takes place in.

   No siree!

   And I’m staying the hell away from scarecrows too! Never did like those fuckers.

   As I got lost in the dark theater, finding my way upstairs and into number 17, where “Open Range,” was just beginning, I thought of Charles Bronson’s character, the “Tunnel King,”  in “The Great Escape.”

   Since I was there I sat down and began watching. Well acted and directed by Kevin Costner, I enjoyed the movie, but found the writing tired and uninspired. It’s always a pleasure to see Robert Duvall’s work, from Boo Radley in “To Kill a Mockingbird” (one of my very favorite literary characters), and one of my favorite episodes from the original “Outer Limits,” “The Inheritors,” to an Academy Award in 1983‘s “Tender Mercies,” he’s one of this countries best. That sexy Annette Bening was in it as well, and wonderful. Kevin? Well he doesn’t change much from movie to movie, now does he? But his ability to portray different characters is not why we like him. We like him because of his charisma, which is why “Message in a Bottle,” sucked so much because he didn’t display any.

   Basically this was another of those western buddy movies, like “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” and “The Cheyenne Social Club,” a device we never seem to tire off.

   I found a way out of the theater at about 3:30, and took the front seat on the Red Line back downtown. With that view of running through the tunnel under the Hollywood Hills I knew exactly what it must feel and look like to be shot out of giant earthworm’s ass.

   I returned to the Weingart just in time for a Chile Mac dinner.

   Up in my room I watched , “And God Created Woman,” starring Rebecca de Mornay, a movie I had taped last night. But the reception had been bad, and it didn’t come out well at all. Besides, they had edited out all of the good parts.

   I read the paper. I watched Ebert and Roper... and Futurama. At 9:00 I taped “Entrapment,” starring Catherine Zeta Jones, even though I usually get lousy reception from CBS, channel 2. But Catherine was in it, and so good.

   Michael Douglas swooped on that (her).

   And then I heard about the death of Charles Bronson, the actor I had thought of earlier, and the star of all of those “Death Wish,” films, and being in “The Great Excape,” and “The Magnificent Seven” (both with Steve McQueen), and I was very sad.

   He had suffered from Alzheimer's disease in his later years, and died from pneumonia at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in West Hollywood, not many miles from where I was sitting in my lonely room.

   They’re dropping like flies.

   I fell asleep while watching the “Hallucinogenic Cave” episode of the “X-Files,” and dreamt I was on a school bus, out on Route 9, with Nicki Aycox and Annette Bening. We were being attacked by the Creeper, and all of the other passengers had already been carried off and eaten.    

   The girls were looking  at me to save them.

   You know how girls are.

   No problem. The next time the bat-winged bastard flew up I karated him with my giant  nunchucks.

   He shot off yelping like a beat dog.