Skid Row Diary 23

1 September 2003   Monday    Day 51

   September... an odd month...

   I had switched on the old radio before knocking out and so heard the smooth velvet voice of Frankie Sontag, back from two weeks of vacation, as I visited with Nicki and Annette.

   No Giselle though. She took Labor Day off, as did those radio bastards Mark and Brian.

   I wrote in the morning, and used the day room computer for about an hour to transfer some notes onto a disk.

   I read the forward to “The Glass Bead Game,” the last novel by the German author Hermann Hesse, written by Theodore Ziolkowski who’s from Alabama. 

    At noon I took off to Pasadena.

   I used the Gold Line again. A pleasant journey on a beautiful, sunny day here in Los Angeles. I rode it all of the way to the end of the line this time, just to increase my store of personal knowledge. I wound up on a big concrete platform smack in the middle of the 210 freeway, in the city of Arcadia. Well I don’t mind telling you I got out of there as quickly as possible. Strange things are said about Arcadia. People go there and are never heard from again.

   Back at the Del Mar Station, I walked north through The Park, to Colorado Blvd., and the Barnes and Noble book store, where I picked up some books. Stephen King’s “Salem’s Lot,” and “Night Shift” (I can’t quite get myself to get “It,” it’s just so damn long, and, I know, I know that 98 to 99% of it is back story where nothing happens) which I’ve read before, Koontz’s “Soul Surviver,” and “Night Chills,” which I don’t think I’ve read yet (with Koontz it’s hard to tell if you’ve read a particular novel as he’s written so many of them, many of which have one word  cryptic titles, which may or may not have anything to do with the book’s plot), Arthur C Clark’s “2010, Odyssey Two,” a vocabulary builder, two law books, “How to File for Divorce in California,” and “Legal Research.” “The Journals of Lewis and Clark,” and the latest issue of Maxim Magazine, due to the photograph of Mariah Carey on the cover. As luck would have it there was a nice picture of Nicki Aycox in there too.

   Across the street at Moby Disk, I bought two videos, “Contact,” the Robert Zemeckis film based on Dr. Carl Sagan’s one and only novel. It’s one of my favorite movies because of the subject matter mostly, it’s high production values, and I love John Hurt’s (the guy who first got alienized in “Alien”)  portrayal of  S.R. Hadden (“Want to take a ride?!”). Unfortunately, the adapted screenplay, seemed like it was written by kids in kindergarten. 

   The second video was Woody Allen’s “Mighty Aphrodite,” which I chose over the Coen brother’s “Miller’s Crossing,” simply because I’m secretly in love with Mira Sorvino.

   Please don’t tell anyone.

  And that’s who I watched when I got back to my room. Mira’s Oscar winning performance, inspired by the wit of the space robots that inhabit Woody Allen. 

   Bravo!

   I watched “The History Detectives,” and a little of Oliver Stone’s “Any Given Sunday,” but not too much. I don’t particularly care for that film. One has to really be in to football I guess.

   I read from my new Clark book, then slept, dreaming of being on a desert island with Mira Sorvino and Sunset Thomas, the lovely and talented star of “Frenzy.”

   They wanted all of my coconuts.

   They were my coconuts!

   I worked hard for them!

   They had no claim to them.

Those damn trees are tall!

They let me keep one.

2   September    Tuesday   day 52

   I felt extremely depressed and uninterested in anything today, and did little but read from Hesse and Montaigne, and meditate. 

   I’ll get over it.

   Giselle was back though, thank God! The one bright point in an otherwise dreary day. 

   But where is Odalys? Where? Where?

   I have so much to do. So much to get done, and it seems impossible at times to get started.

   I watched my new video, “Contact,” and was suitably inspired.

   I also locked myself out of my room for the second time. I realized I didn’t have my key the instant the door closed, and called to have security come up to let me in.

   Security tends to take their own sweet time in matters such as this, and I stood at the stairwell just down the hall from my room for 45 minutes waiting. I called again and waited some more. Then I got tired of waiting and opened the door myself by slipping the lock with my I.D. card.

   That was an act of desperation. I didn’t know it would work. 

   Now I don’t feel very secure knowing how easy it is to get into these rooms.

   I continued to read from 2010. Except for the Chinese spacecraft landing on Europa the 1982 Peter Hyams film was taken directly from the book, which is very good. I don’t like it when producers make movies out of popular books, and then change the plot, or whatever, to suit their own needs.

   Bastards.

   After the 11:00 news with Lauren Sanchez, who like Mark and Brian was just returning from vacation, I went to sleep and dreamt I was stranded on a desert island with Lauren and Ona Zee, the lovely and talented actress who starred in such fine films like “Fever Pitch,” and “Razor’s Edge.”

   They wanted my coconuts too.

   They took them all this time.

3  September   Wednesday   Day 53

   I didn’t want to get out of bed, a sure sign of depression. Then I thought about Mars receding from me, very fast now, and I got out of bed.

   There were leaves from the Cocos nucifera tree in my bed.

   Did you know that a coconut is not a nut? No. Neither did I.

   It’s a drupe.

   Now we both know.

   Giselle was wearing pants, and Mark and Brian rambled aimlessly with little consequence, but no matter.

   I took a long time cleaning my room in preparation for my weekly visit from housekeeping.

   After I got it all spruced up I signed in at the front desk and left the building.

   I took the 18 to 5th and Alverado, walking 2 blocks south to the check cashing place. I passed Gary Porch on the way. He was a tad upset because DPSS had denied his food stamps. I consoled him as best as I could, advising that he go to their office to see what was up.

   His failure created anxiety within myself, thinking I might have a similar fate.

   But that was not the case. $126 in food stamps, and unexpectedly, my cash benefits had started up again with an $84 check. I was rich!

   I took the Red Line back downtown and walked to the One Stop to check my messages. John Manzano had called my voice mail twice, asking me to call him. I tried two times but couldn’t get through. The creature that inhabits the telephone lines kept asking me to “Please wait... please wait... please wait.”

   I got tired of waiting.

   All the computers were busy at One Stop, so I left and sold my food stamps for $100 cash. I bought a money order for $56, which I was required to give to Labren at the Weingart. It would be held and given back to me when I left there. I then treated myself to lunch at the Taco Bell at 5th and Broadway.

   Burrito Supreme, Cheese Quesadilla, and Coconut Juice.

   I could eat this crap all day.

   I used the library computers to get to my Email which had accumulated quite a bit. I deleted everything except stuff from Amnesty International. I sent a message to Manzano.

   I received two letters from Voc Rehab, which told me I was “Most Eligible” for their services, and to contact my Voc Rehab case worker.

   Most Eligible? So they’ve come to realize what a sick bastard I am.

   And a new hearing date has been established for my food stamp matter. I shall take care of all of that next week.

   I purchased two videos at the indoor mall. “Adaptation,” starring Meryl Streep, and “The Dish,” starring the lovely and talented Sam Neill.

   After lunch, and after writing, I would watch “Adaptation,” and feel many things about the experience, but I will have to do some research concerning this film before I feel confident enough to comment about it... which kind of pisses me off.

   I did not start school this week. I don’t know why.

   Instead I watched Sub-Commander T'Pol go into heat on “Star Trek Enterprise,” which was infinitely more interesting.

   I would sleep at some point. I usually do.

   Meryl Streep and Linda Lovelace, the tormented star of “Linda Lovelace for President,” entered my dreams. We were winding our way through the Florida Everglades looking for orchids, and for some reason it was my job to shoo way the hungry alligators.who live there.

   Pesky devils!

4   September   Thursday   Day 54

   I finally met with the Veteran’s Housing Specialist, Dahlia Sanchez, a former Marine jar head type individual. Since my nine months here at the Weingart are up in October, I’m especially and enthusiastically interested in what services she may provide.

   As her title implies she deals exclusively with veterans, veterans who have progressed to the 3rd and final phase of the Weingart’s comprehensive veteran’s program. Those other vets, in phases 1 and 2, meet two or three times a week, but Dahlia only schedules two meetings a month, on the first Tuesday and Thursday, a testament to her undoubted efficiency and indolence.

   I had neglected to attend Tuesday, so at 3:55 I wrangled down to the training room to attend my very first Phase 3 meeting. The door was closed.

   At 4:00 no one was there.

   “You have to be patient,” the security person told me when I asked at their nearby office where Dahlia might be. 

   “I’m patient,” I told him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

   At 4:08 Dahlia and Richard Carns walked by and acknowledged my presence. She had security open to training room.

   “Go ahead,” Dahlia said to me, “I’ll be right back.”

   I found a nice chair and sat down. I hadn’t brought a book with me, so I thought about the TDTESS screenplay, coming up with some nice ideas.

   Thirty minutes later I was still there and just about to leave when Dahlia showed up, telling me I could leave as I was the only one who showed up.

   She assured me I would receive credit for the class. I told her I wasn’t so much interested in getting credit for the class, rather I was interested in what services she provided. 

   “Well I’ve got the Money Management Class pretty much worked out, but am still working on community contacts,” she told me.

   I told her I would see her soon and left. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to graduate from all three Phases without attending a single class.

   I continued to explore the Jovian system by way of Clark’s 2010 book, and watched Heather Locklear spank herself in a guest appearance on “Scrubs,” NBC’s medical comedy show (why not? We have police comedies and spy comedies, they even tried a sit-com about guys in prison once (I saw it being taped). If you count “Ally Mcbeal,” and I see no reason not to, there are even comedies about lawyers, a group not commonly regarded for their slap happy antics).

   I dreamt about Heather, as I often do, and Kristi Myst, the lovely and talented star of “Buffy’s First Encounter,” which I have not seen (I don’t think I have), but it must have had something to do with U.F.O.s.

   I dreamt I was a hospital patient waiting for a penis reduction procedure, and these ladies were my nurses. I rang the buzzer for them.

   “Can I have another sponge bath please,” I asked as they entered. “I feel so dirty.”

   “But you’ve had three already,” Kristi exclaimed.

   “Yeah, but it’s been over an hour,” I reminded them.

   “I’ll get the sponge,” Heather blurted.

   I sat back.

   Sometimes these dreams work out really well.

5   September   Friday   Day 55

   Friday is here! Time to go to the movies.

   Sometime last night a notice had been placed on the restroom and shower room doors, notifying those who happened to be roaming around the halls that the water would be shut off between the hours of 6:00AM and 7:30... I don’t know why.

   Dutifully I got up at 9:00, showered, put some clothes on, and left for City Walk.

   I stopped at the 99 Cent Store on Alvarado, and purchased two semi-cold bottles of root beer. Thus armed, I arrived at the theater complex thirty minutes before the first show I wanted to see began. Having missed breakfast, I dined on a nice, sloppy, Tommy’s chile dog before going in. You certainly don’t want to be malnourished while sitting through a long movie. 

   Because the 99 Cent Store had been out, I was forced to buy $5 worth of savory, popcorn with chemical butter all over it.

   $5 for something that cost the theater like 25 cents to make. 

   Runaway capitalism.

   I went to Theater number 1, which was showing the just released “The Order,” starring Heath Ledger. It turned out to be just another variation of the old “sin eater” theme. This film didn’t really have a whole lot going for it... except the trailer, which looked really good. The last ten or fifteen minutes was fairly interesting, but before that there was basically little appearance of what could be called a plot, or story, which is usually not a good thing. The characters were written in such a vague, stereotypical manner, that I felt stereotypical while watching it, and I couldn’t muster up any feelings for them. 

   One underlying subplot, an American Cardinal seeking the papacy by means of murder, lies, and manipulation, all in order to regain the Catholic Church’s power, territory, and possessions, with the goal of the church rising up to take over the world, was hardly frightening. Murderers, rapists, and thieves have gained the papal throne many times in the past. But unless the church has their own nuclear weapons, they don’t appear to be much of a threat.

   Militant popes, always a problem.

   On my way out of the theater I took a wrong turn through the labyrinth halls and accidentally walked in to the “Jeepers Creepers 2“ movie, just as it was beginning as chance would have it. I was very tired by then and so decided to sit for awhile to catch my breath, and watched it again. Screw Ebert and Roper (this film is number 1 in the country).

   It was very hot in L.A. today, even up on windy City Walk. And very bright. As I came out of the sun and into the Red Line station, I experienced some kind of sun attack. My vision was effected. What looked like two white Lima beans disrupted my line of sight, becoming more prominent when I closed my eyes. I could still see people and other things before me, the beans were semi-transparent, but I felt a little dizzy, and so sat on the floor hoping this would soon pass.

   The beans faded after a moment or two, and my vision returned to normal, and I went on my way.

   I’m getting old I guess. Do things like that happen to old people?

   Swedish meatballs, with about 3 noodles for dinner.

   I finished Dr. Clark’s “2010, Odyssey 2“ book, and because of it I was transported through the seas of Europa, which of course are completely frozen over due to the minus 260 degrees Fahrenheit and vacuum at the surface, the sea being heated by volcanic out gassing at it’s greatest depths. I’ve been to the diamond and metallic hydrogen core of Jupiter, and saw life there. Jules Verne has taken me to the bottom of the Earth’s oceans. Kurt Vonnegut to the center of the Sun. Carl Sagan, and others, have taken me on tours throughout the cosmos, and I know the inevitable gravitational fate of the universe, billions of years from now. 

   Herman Melville has shown me how to hunt a whale. Harper Lee has shown me why mocking birds should not be killed. J.D. Salinger has introduced me to a wonderful family in New York. Steinbeck, a group of discontent men in Monterey. Cervantes, a man with a dream. James Clavell has shown me Hong Kong’s beginning, and taken me on a tour of a Japanese prisoner of war camp. Thomas Harris into the mind of a mad man. Dante’s Virgil guided me through the circles of Hell. James Joyce has let me feel what it was like to live in Dublin for a day, and reminded me what it was like to lose love. Gabriel Garcia Marquez has let me live in Columbia with another amazing family. Shirley Jackson into the bowels of an evil house. Edger Allen Poe and Stephen King, into other dark places I wouln’td set my little pinky in if it were not within the confines of a book. Fyodor Dostoevsky has forced me to look into the dark places of my own being. And Mark Twain has shown me wit, laughter, and jumping frogs. All of these places, and many, many more all within my lonely little room.

   When it comes down to it I’ve lived a very full life.

6   September    Saturday   Day 56

   I woke from a dream involving Jane Leeves, the beautiful and talented star of the television show “Frasier,” Krista Lane, and Suzi Suzuki, stars of “Wishbone,” and “Lotus,” respectively, 5 quarts of cookie dough ice cream, 7 beach balls, a 30 foot ladder, a Volvo 360 sedan, a koala bear, 67 coconuts, and a trampoline.

   I didn’t feel like going to the valley today, to Trimar. Summer was giving a last ditch effort to turn the city into a blast furnace, and it was too hot for making long, boring bus trips.

   I spent the day writing and thinking about the upcoming week. Not much would happen, I mused, until after the 12th, but there were a few things I could do until then to keep some forward momentum going.

   I began reading Koontz’s “Sole Surviver,” one of his faced paced novels, when all of the action and story takes place within a remarkably short period of time. I’ve found these are usually his best books, and this one is a clear example of it so far. I stayed up until 4AM reading it.

   If Stephen King takes me to dark places I otherwise wouldn’t care to tread, Koontz takes me there on a roller coaster during an earthquake. But he always gives me a fighting chance to become a hero, as in his world, the good guys usually win.

   That’s not what it’s really like, is it?

   At one point he used the term “Situational Ethics” (takes into account the particular context of an act when evaluating it ethically, rather than judging it according to absolute moral standards -The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition (2000)). Although it was used in reference to the “bad guys,” in actuality it relates almost to everyone at one time or another.

   I ate lunch and dinner with Gary Porch, speaking to him at length. I’m afraid he’s been bad again. 

   After I left him Wednesday, near the check cashing place, he went on another bender and stayed out all night. Precisely the type of behavior which he had been promised would get him thrown out of the Weingart. He can’t seem to help himself. Like a freight car that can’t get off the short track, he seems doomed to keep hurting himself, which is a pity. 

   I’ve done the exact same thing at various times in my life, and so am in no position to judge him, or anyone else for that matter. I would help him if I could, for at this time in my life my energies are directed towards arresting my disease, but I can’t. I did go so far as to offer to take him to a Drifters AA meeting, but of course he didn’t want to go, or to make any effort to change. Until he wants to do that he’ll continue in his life of misery and quiet desperation, anesthetized by booze. 

   I know that feeling too well.

   That’s the main reason I’ve never wanted to get back into the drug rehabilitation field. Nobody gets well until they absolutely want to do it, and sometimes, not even then. It’s really that simple.

   I recorded Terry Gilliam’s “The Fisher King,” getting a fairly decent copy of it, as much as the crappy reception on my T.V. would allow. An interesting film about guilt and mental illness.

   The heros won in this one too.

   And after I decided I should put the damn Koontz novel down (Curse you Koontz!) and get some sleep, I dreamt of being Kristy Swanson’s champion (Kristy, as you may remember, was the original Buffy, the Vampire Slayer in the classic feature film, before being replaced on television by that upstart, Sarah Michelle Gellar, who doesn’t even look like Buffy. Last year Kristy appeared in a Playboy photo spread, and I remember thinking that she looked like what a Christmas Angel must look like if there were such things) at a jousting tournament, during the middle ages. She had given me her scarf, and I wore it proudly on my way to do battle with the fire belching demon of the Fisher King. 

   I quickly dispatched it, then jumped off of my horse and beat it with a stick.

   The crowd cheered, and my lady looked upon me with favor.

Cosmos

Cosmos

Cosmos, A Space Time Odyssey

“The Cosmos is all that is, or ever was, or ever will be.”  -Carl Sagan

Cos·mos

ˈkäzməs,-ˌmōs,-ˌmäs/

noun: cosmos

Origen: Greek: Kosmos

1. The universe seen as a well-ordered whole.

"He sat staring deep into the void, reminding himself of his place in the cosmos"

2. A system of thought.

"The new gender-free intellectual cosmos"

plural noun: cosmoses

3. An ornamental plant of the daisy family with single dahlialike flowers. Native to tropical America, it is widely grown as an ornamental. -Google

“The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it.” ― Neil deGrasse Tyson

   I knew this would happen. I predicted it.

   “Herkimer,” I said to my invisible cat, “this is really going to piss off those right-wing, creationist bastards.” And I was right.

   I usually am.

   Anyway, you may be aware that the Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space in New York City, Neil deGrasse Tyson, is currently hosting a new incarnation of the 1980 science advocacy PBS 13 part series, “Cosmos: A Personal Voyage,” entitled “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” surprisingly on several of the Fox networks, and the National Geographic Channel. New episodes air on Sunday nights, at 9:00p.m. here in Los Angeles on Fox (Monday nights on the NGC). Ostensibly the new version was produced to introduce discoveries in science (with an emphasis on astronomy) that have occurred since “Cosmos: A Personal Voyage,” first aired on September 28th, 1980 (through December 21nd), such as the discovery of the Higgs boson, the subatomic particle which is associated with mass generation in other particles without which we wouldn’t be here. I don’t know where we’d be, but it wouldn’t be here.

   Other discoveries since 1980 include the detection of extrasolar planets, which are planets revolving around stars other than are own (not necessarily earth-like planets, just other planets). As of last Thursday we have discovered 1779 planets in 1102 planetary systems including 460 multiple planetary systems, which is really cool, and the second factor in the famous Drake Equation, which is a probabilistic argument used to estimate the number of active, communicative extraterrestrial civilizations in our galaxy. 

   We’ve also discovered, or inferred the existence of what we lovingly call dark matter, which is a type of matter hypothesized to account for certain effects that appear to be the result of mass where no such mass can be seen, instead, the existence and properties of dark matter are inferred from its gravitational effects on visible matter, radiation, and the large-scale structure of the universe. Like black holes, we know it must be there by it’s effects on mass or energy near it.

   I wish I had some right now to play with... like Silly Putty.

   If updating current scientific knowledge to the 1980 series was the reason to produce “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” then it’s already outdated, due to the recent discovery by scientists at the South Pole, using a BICEP2 telescope (pictured above) to probe the cosmic microwave background radiation, which is the echo left over from the Big Bang, from which our universe emerged 13.798 ± 0.037 billion years ago, and which has helped to validate the theory of Inflation (or at least provided the first direct evidence for it by detecting gravitational waves), a theory which purports that space expanded for a fraction of a second in the early universe at a rate much faster than the speed of light. This discovery also supports the idea of a Multiverse, that our universe is just one of many. In the first fraction of the first second after the Big Bang, some parts of space-time expanded more quickly than others, which created "bubbles" of space-time that then developed into these other universes, which may have different laws of physics other than are own.

   I’ve suspected this theory of a multiverse to be true for years because the U.F.O.s have to come from somewhere.

   So, as far as “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” goes, it’s already old news.

   Yet, I recommend it to absolutely everyone.

   That includes you Uncle Dwezel! 

   I was in the navy when Dr. Carl Sagan’s “Cosmos: A Personal Voyage,” was first broadcast, and probably goofing off in the middle of the Pacific Ocean somewhere. I first saw “Cosmos" on PBS repeats though, after I got out of the service, in a little apartment in Van Nuys, California (on Orion Ave, appropriately enough, right next to the freaking San Diego Freeway), and was instantly transfixed by it, as were many others (“Cosmos” was the most widely watched series in the history of American public television until that documentarian bastard Ken Burns came out with “The Civil War,” in 1990. Wikipedia tells us that of as of 2009 "Cosmos" was still the most widely watched PBS series in the world).

   For the life of me I can’t remember when I first became aware of Carl Sagan’s work, but I can say this for certain, it was either before I was in the navy, or after. I’m almost positive. I can tell you this as well. I either first read his books and then watched “Cosmos,” or the other way around.

   And I can say this, if I ever had what is commonly called a mentor, it was Dr. Sagan, as he was to so many others, possibly for Dr. Tyson.

   He spent a day with Carl when he was 17 years old after Carl had suspiciously intercepted Neil’s college application, and attempted to recruit him to Cornell University, where he was the director of the Laboratory for Planetary Studies. 

   “Interestingly, when I applied to Cornell, my application dripped of my passion for the study and research of the Universe. Somehow the admissions office brought my application to the attention of the late Dr. Sagan, and he actually took the initiative and care to contact me. He was very inspirational and a most powerful influence. Dr. Sagan was as great as the universe, an effective mentor,” Tyson writes.

   Carl taught me sceptical thinking, how to apply the scientific method to almost everything, introduced me to the Bologna Detection Kit and invisible dragons, he explained many complicated aspects of science in such a way that even I could understand them, and was one of the many individuals who taught me how to write... at least as much as I can currently demonstrate.

   “Cosmos: A Personal Voyage,” aired in 13 one hour segments. It was notable for its use of then ground breaking special effects. It incorporated the music of the Greek composer Vangelis, which provided the haunting theme which can be heard in the above clip. It was written by Carl and his future wife, Ann Druyan (pictured above with Neil. They married in 1981), and astrophysicist, Steven Soter. And it told the story, not of the cosmos really, for that would be impossible, but of what we knew of it at the time, and about science and it’s simple 3 part self correcting method, and about ourselves and the life that surrounds us.

   I’ve watched the series many times. I’ve read the book. I own the book. I have the series on DVD, and could watch it this very instant if I so desired. But right now I’d rather write this... maybe later.

   Here’s a quick overview:

   In Part 1 Carl introduces us to the Cosmic Calendar, as Neil did in Part 1 of “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” the Cosmic Calendar representing the history of our universe from the Big Bang to the present represented within 12 months. He took us with him on his "Spaceship of the Imagination" on a trip throughout the solar system and beyond, and introduced us to Eratosthenes of Cyrene and the Library of Alexandria.

   In Part 2 he takes a look at evolution, as did Neil. He took a look at the function of DNA in growth; genetic replication, repairs, and mutation; how we are connected deeply to all of the living organisms on this planet, and speculated on how it got started.

   In Part 3 he discussed the pseudosciences, such as astrology compared to astronomy, and creationism vs evolution. He spoke of Ptolemy, Copernicus, Tycho Brahe, and Johannes Kepler.

   In Part 4 we look at comets and asteroids, and the planet Venus, and it’s runaway greenhouse effect.

   Part 5 is devoted to the red planet Mars, our closest neighbor.

   In Part 6 he talks about the Voyager spacecraft, and their close encounters with Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune, before they ventured out into interplanetary space, each carrying a special message on a golden record (at Dr. Sagan’s urging, Voyager 1 was turned around to take a last picture of Earth from 3.7 billion miles away, “A Pale Blue Dot,” pictured above).

   The discovery of a star’s true nature are examined in Part 7, as well as the careers of Aristarchus of Samos, Thales of Miletus, Anaximander, Theodorus of Samos, Empedocles, and Democritus, who championed scientific inquiry, while Plato, Aristotle, and the Pythagoreans held different views.

   Space and time are the subjects of Part 8, as well as the expansion of the universe. Albert Einstein, and his theory of relatively, Leonardo da Vinci, travel near the speed of light, time travel, the origins of the Solar System, the history of life, and the immensity of space.

   Part 9 examines “The Lives of Stars,” their evolution (that’s right, stars evolve just like us. It’s crazy, I know. It’s going on everywhere!), different types, and their deaths (that’s right, stars die too).

   The origen of the universe, radio astronomy, different dimensions, those pesky multiverses, all are discussed in Part 10.

   In Part 11 intelligence is looked at (and it’s yet to be seen if human intelligence that has brought us so much... at least some of us so much, will be proven as a successful survival mechanism), as well as DNA and the human brain.

   The search for extraterrestrial intelligence (SETI), U.F.O.s, the Drake Equation, and the possibility of a repository of information about other worlds in the galaxy, a Encyclopedia Galactica is discussed in Part 12.

   And in Part 13 we ask, “Who Speaks for Earth,” the future of humanity, the lost expedition of Jean François de Galaup,  the destruction of the Aztecs by Spanish conquistadors, the still existent threat of nuclear warfare, and the threats shown by the destruction of the Library of Alexandria and the murder of Hypatia, are examined in the 13th and final episode.

   In 1986 a special edition of Cosmos featuring new computer animated sequences and filmed segments with Carl was produced. 

   As of this particular moment Dr. Tyson has aired the first 2 episodes of “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” and predictably, considering the times and political atmosphere, some of our conservative friends are a tad upset about it. Why? Good question. Let’s take a look shall we.

   First off, they never did like Dr. Sagan‘s quote from above because of course it doesn’t mention God as some kind of factor, or some entity that exists outside of the cosmos. Well number 1, as I’ve mentioned many, many times before, if you are going to enter a factor into a problem, situation, equation, or whatever, it’s your job to prove, unequivocally and unambiguously, that that factor exists. It’s not my job to disprove that it it exists, it’s your job to prove that it does in order to be taken into consideration in any serious discussion. As far as I know, and I may be wrong about this, the existence of God has not been empirically proven.

   Answers in Genesis's (a non-profit Christian apologetics ministry) very own astronomer, Dr.  Danny Faulkner, says this: “There is not a bit of science in that statement. When Sagan said it 34 years ago and then wrote it in his book, a lot of people were saying, “Wow! What a profound scientific statement,” but it’s actually a philosophical statement. It is denial of the supernatural, saying the only thing that exists is the physical world, the natural world. But to say that with any certainty Sagan had to get outside the physical universe and see that the physical universe is all that there is. And he would have had to do that in eternity past and in eternity future in order to say that. If he could really see that, then he would be god. It’s a very bold, metaphysical statement. It’s an assertion. But it’s not science. It’s not a scientific statement.”

   To that I say balderdash!

   I’ll go so far as to say it again... balderdash!

   I say there’s not a bit of science in Dr. Falkner’s statement! He claims the possibility of some “supernatural” something that may exist outside of the cosmos without providing a shred of proof, or evidence that it exists, or that Dr. Sagan needs to view the cosmos from outside of it to make sure it doesn’t exist before his statement can be considered valid... by him. Again, that’s not Dr. Sagan’s job. By definition nothing exists outside of the cosmos, because the cosmos is everything that there is. If there is a God, then he, she, or it, lives within the cosmos, if he, she, or it, is interacting with entities within it. Like the statement “The ends of the Earth” (there is no end of the Earth as the Earth is a sphere, and a sphere has no edge or end) “outside of the cosmos” has no meaning. 

   Second, the definition of the word “cosmos,” Google graciously provided above doesn’t mention anything about God, so why should Carl in his introduction to a television series entitled “Cosmos?”

   Beats me.

   On to the new program. 

   Answers in Genesis’s Dr. Elizabeth Mitchell, an obstetrician and gynecologist, doesn’t like the Big Bang Theory. 

   I don’t know. I’ve never seen the program. But the actual Big Bang, she states, “The “observational evidence” to which Tyson refers is not, however, observations that confirm big bang cosmology but interpretations of scientific data that interpret observations within a big bang model of origins. The big bang model is unable to explain many scientific observations, but this is of course not mentioned.”

   “Interpretations of scientific data that interpret observations within a big bang model of origins,” is exactly what science is about. The prevailing line of scientific thought supports the theory of the Big Bang, like that cosmic microwave background radiation we were discussing earlier. If there is evidence that supports some other theory for the origin of the cosmos then let it be reviewed by the appropriate scientific authority, and if it is valid, then it shall have to be considered. That’s how science works. As of yet, no other satisfactory theory has been advanced. Once again, it’s not science’s job to disprove a biblical interpretation of the origen of the cosmos, it’s for biblical authorities to prove that their theory has scientific merit if it is to be considered as science, rather than a creation myth. 

   “The big bang model is unable to explain many scientific observations, but this is of course not mentioned.” What scientific observations is she referring to? And even if the Big Bang theory currently cannot account for some observation or effects, that doesn’t mean it won’t in the future, and does not invalidate the theory, a fact that she does not mention. 

   Evolution, oh yeah, let’s talk about evolution. 

   Dr. Mitchell has this to say: “Finally, Tyson, standing in a lovely setting surrounded by rocks and pools, deals with the origin of life. Abiogenesis—the origin of life from non-living elements through natural processes—is essential to naturalistic evolutionary dogma. Yet abiogenesis has never been observed in science. Moreover, abiogenesis violates the natural laws that govern everything known to chemical and biological science. Invoking blind faith in evolutionary principles, Tyson therefore says, “We still don’t know how life got started. For all we know it may have come from another part of the Milky Way. The origin of life is one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of science.” Scooping up some water, he adds, ‘That’s life cooking, evolving all the biochemical recipes for its incredibly complex activities. By Nov 9th [of the cosmic calendar], life was breathing, moving, eating, responding to its environment. We owe a lot to those pioneering microbes.’

   The scientific method has led to the discoveries and technological leaps that shape our lives and our understanding of the universe. Unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of unobservable origins, mainstream scientists who believe big bang cosmology and molecules-to-man evolution think that the god-free framework they have invented is a factual reality that accurately and reliably describes a past they can never examine. They test their ideas about the past within their own concept of what the past was like, and they believe they are actually using the scientific method to make observations about the past.

   Despite the admonition to “question everything” and to “reject” ideas that “don’t pass the test,” the fact that abiogenesis violates the fundamental laws of biology is ignored. Evolutionary blind faith in a “great mystery”—such as that invoked by Bill Nye in the recent Nye-Ham Debate—trumps the scientific method. Why? Because molecules-to-man evolution must have happened for Darwinian notions of origins to be true.”

   And then goes on to tout a “Creation Museum Planetarium production, 'Created Cosmos.' In Created Cosmos we see how we as people of earth stand in relation to the immensity of God’s Creation. So seeing the enormity of what God in His power created, we get a better perspective on God’s great love for us. God made all that we have just seen, told us how and when He did it in His Word, chose to continue loving rebellious human beings, and sent Jesus Christ, the Son of God, into the this world to suffer and die to bear the sin-guilt of us all (Hebrews 2:9–10).” 

   I believe I’ve given Dr. Mitchell more license than her argument deserves. 

    “a past they can never examine.”

   That’s a bold and ill considered observation all in itself. 

   When you look up into the night sky, at the stars, dear readers, you are not looking at the present, you are looking at the distant past. The light emitted from those stars travels at 186,000 miles per second. The distance between the stars is so great that it takes 4.22 years for the light of our nearest stellar neighbor, Proxima Centauri, to reach the Earth. When you look at Proxima Centauri you are seeing as it was 4.22 years ago, not as it is now. Most of the stars and galaxies that appear in the night sky are much more distant, which in itself disproves (as does radioactive carbon dating of rocks and fossils, and the existence of petroleum products within the Earth) a 6,000 to 10,000 year old Earth hypothesis. The “God Created Everything with the Appearance of Age,” theory is a twidge too self-serving to be considered seriously, and again, there is no evidence.

   Evidence, evidence, evidence! As Dr. Sagan said himself, extraordinary events require extraordinary evidence. Not hearsay, not antidotal, not because it makes us feel better evidence, not because that’s the way we want it to be. We must go where the evidence takes us if we are to truthfully and courageously explore nature and it’s secrets.

   When we detect the cosmic microwave background radiation, we are detecting electromagnetic radiation reaching out to us from the very beginning of our universe,  a few moments after the Big Bang, as far back in time as we can currently see. The recent discovery of gravitational waves is further evidence of our ability to delve deeper into nature’s secrets. 

   “Yet abiogenesis has never been observed in science. Moreover, abiogenesis violates the natural laws that govern everything known to chemical and biological science...  Despite the admonition to “question everything” and to “reject” ideas that “don’t pass the test,” the fact that abiogenesis violates the fundamental laws of biology is ignored.”

   These statements are just patently false. First, just because the formation of living organisms from non-living organic compounds has not been observed does not mean that it didn’t happen. Please remember, the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.05 billion years old. The first biogenic substances (materials indicating the presence of living organisms) are detected a little more than a billion years after the planet’s formation. Given the right ingredients, and a vast amount of time (which is difficult to duplicate artificially) who knows what can happen? Since life exists on the Earth, and there is no evidence of a creator, abiogenesis is the best explanation of how life originated on this planet (the Panspermia theory that life came to Earth from an extraterrestrial source is plausible, but that theory still begs the question, how did this extraterrestrial life manifest itself?). 

   And the theory of abiogenesis does not violate any laws of biology that I’m aware of. It just has not been observed in a laboratory, and probably never will be given the immense time scale involved. 

   Let’s move on. 

   From Right-Wing Watch last Friday: “The Creationist group Answers In Genesis, which was already incensed about Neil deGrasse Tyson’s revival of Cosmos, is now complaining that the show lacks scientific balance because it fails to provide airtime for evolution deniers. Danny Faulkner of Answers In Genesis and the Creation Museum appeared on The Janet Mefferd Show yesterday to criticize Cosmos for not providing airtime for Creationism adherents. When Mefferd asked if Cosmos will “ever give a Creationist any time,” Faulkner responded by lamenting that “Creationists aren’t even on the radar..”

   More from our old friend Dr. Faulkner: “I don’t recall seeing any interviews with people – that may yet come – but it’s based upon the narration from the host and then various types of little video clips of various things, cartoons and things like that,” he said.

   “Boy, but when you have so many scientists who simply do not accept Darwinian evolution, it seems to me that that might be something to throw in there, you know, the old, ‘some scientists say this, others disagree and think this,’ but that’s not even allowed,” she said.

   I assume the above paragraph was quote from Ms Mefferd.

   This is what Dr. Tyson had to say concerning this “equal balance” claim: “You don’t talk about the spherical Earth with NASA, and then say let’s give equal time to the flat Earthers,” Tyson told CNN. “Plus, science is not there for you to cherry pick.”

   “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” is a series of programs concerning science. What Dr. Faulkner, the creationists, and the intelligent designers are offering is not science. They do not employ the methods of science. That’s it! I don’t know how to make it any simpler.  

   They have their own video out apparently, the “Created Cosmos,” mentioned above by Dr. Mitchell. Here’s a link to where you can purchase it from Amazon if you so desire. It’s 22 minutes long and costs between $15 and $20, plus shipping and handling. 

   I have not heard of Dr. Tyson demanding equal time on “Created Cosmos.” Was an offer made to him? I don’t know.

   If these people are so upset about “Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey,” being aired, then let them get the Fox networks, or anyone else, to air “Created Cosmos.” 

   They may need to expand their content a tad to 13 hours or so, but I’m sure they're up to it.

   Most Sunday mornings when I turn on the television I see religious programming. I find it interesting that there is usually a little 800 number down near the bottom of my TV screen where the folks watching at home can call in to give whoever it is who’s preaching money. All of these programs have this in common, give us cash.

   Anyway, this is the forum for what the creationists offer. I don’t see an abundant outrage from the scientific community clamoring for equal time. 

   Even if one were to accept an intelligent design theory as being remotely possible, that theory poses more questions than it answers, such as, where did the designer come from? The designer has always been here you say. What do you mean by always, and if that’s true, why haven’t we always been here, but are only 6,000 to 10,000 years old? The designer works in mysterious ways you say. Why does the designer work in mysterious ways? Where is the designer now? Why doesn’t the designer manifest itself? Is the designer shy? Dead? Drunk?  Asleep at the switch? On and on and on, ad infinitum... Science does not work with theories that utilize the unproven existence of ad infinitum as their foundation. 

   Religion does though.

   It is not my intention to attempt to change anyone’s fundamental beliefs here. What I am presenting is a fact/truth based approach to looking at the cosmos based on science. Creationists tend to live in a self-reinforced multiverse that is unique to them where facts are of little consequence, unless they further their arguments (they’re already trying to assert that the discovery of gravitational waves is proof of God’s existence... because it’s so complicated and all) . I accept that.

   So creationists, you get to advocate your position every week... 52 weeks a year!

   Let science have it’s 13.

Creationists keeping crying.

Neil de Grasse Tyson is Keeping Creationist Up at Night

Vernal Equinox

   You may not have noticed dear readers, but it happened just a few hours ago.

   At 9:57AM to be exact, my time. Or, if you prefer, three minutes to ten in the morning. 

   12:57PM in New York.

   What happened? Funny you should ask. As the title of this post strongly suggests, at 9:57AM the Earth experienced the Vernal Equinox (Vernal; adjective: of, in, or appropriate to spring. Equinox; noun: "equal night")  as the Sun crossed directly over the Earth's equator, thus signaling the end of winter up here in the Northern Hemisphere, and the beginning of spring!

   Isn’t it wonderful!

   Due to the 23.45 degree tilt of the Earth's axis in relation to the Sun’s ecliptic plane, if you lived in the Southern Hemisphere just the opposite would be true. You would be experiencing your Autumnal Equinox, thus signaling the end of summer, and the beginning of the fall, or autumn. We’ll have our very own Autumnal Equinox in September, September 22nd to be exact, at 7:29 PM... my time.

   10:29PM in New York.

   2:29AM September 23rd in Timbuktu.

   What’s up with that equal night business? Well when the Sun is positioned above the equator, day and night are about equal in length all over the world during the the two equinoxes. This statement is truer the closer you are to the equator, as latitude will contribute to the actual time that the disk of the Sun will appear in your horizon, thus marking the beginning of the day. But for Meivelyn Noemi Cacao Mendoza, the little 7 year old (soon to be a wise 8 year old in exactly 18 days) girl I sponsor through Children’s International, and who lives in Guayaquil, Ecuador, this statement is very true.

   As we examined during the Winter Solstice, our planet’s seasons manifest themselves due to that 23.45 tilt, and not the Earth’s distance from the Sun. If the Earth rotated on an axis perpendicular to the plane of the Earth's orbit around the Sun, there would be no variation in day lengths or temperatures throughout the year, and we would not have seasons, which would be sad.

   The Earth’s distance from the Sun does indeed vary because the Earth’s orbit around the Sun is not exactly circular, but elliptical, as Johannes Kepler discovered way back in 1605. Our average distance from it is  approximately 93 million miles, way too far to walk, even if you wanted to... which you don’t, trust me (A complete orbit of the Earth around the Sun occurs every 365.2563666 mean solar days (1 sidereal year). The orbital speed of the Earth around the Sun averages about 67,108.0888 miles per hour, which is fast enough to cover the 238,900 miles to the Moon in less than 4 hours. And you thought you were sitting still while reading this.     Viewed from directly above the north poles of both the Sun and the Earth, the Earth would appear to revolve in a counterclockwise direction about the Sun. From the same vantage point both the Earth and the Sun would appear to rotate in a counterclockwise direction about their respective axes).

   Now back to that ellipse. It does have an effect on the severity of the seasons, but over a long time frame. It has absolutely nothing to do with the equinox, yet it’s pretty cool, and does have a perceptible effect on each and every one of us, as it will our children, and our grandchildren, and so on, who will have to contend with a world polluted beyond belief and various degrees of global warming, because we worked so hard in their past to keep making money for the Charles and David Koch and Exxon.

   The degree of a planet's orbital ellipse is referred to as its eccentricity. What that means is that there are times of the year when the planet is closer to the sun than at other times. When the planet is closer to the sun, it receives more solar radiation. This theory (some say it’s not a “theory” like that nasty old evolution, but a fact that we can test... scientifically. Just turn on the stove in your kitchen and pretend it’s the Sun. Now pretend your hand is the Earth and move it closer to the hot stove. Pretty soon no doubt you’ll come to the realization that the closer you get to it the hotter your hand will be. See, isn’t science great! (Warning! Don’t do this at home)) is fairly fundamental.

   The point at which the Earth passes closest to the sun is called perihelion (mid 17th cent.: alteration of modern Latin perihelium (by substitution of the Greek ending -on ), from Greek peri- ‘around’ + hēlios ‘sun.’), and the point furthest from the sun is called aphelion (mid 17th cent.: alteration of modern Latin aphelium (by substitution of the Greek inflection -on ), from Greek aph' hēlion ‘from the sun.’).

   As it happens (“As it is supposed to happen,” Bokonon would say) the shape of the Earth's orbital eccentricity varies over time from being nearly circular (low eccentricity of 0.0034) and mildly elliptical (high eccentricity of 0.058). It takes just about 100,000 years for the Earth to undergo a full cycle. In times of high eccentricity, radiation exposure on the Earth can accordingly fluctuate more wildly between periods of perihelion and aphelion. Those fluctuations are likewise far milder in times of low eccentricity. Currently, the Earth's orbital eccentricity is at about 0.0167, which means its orbit is closer to being at its most circular, which has been advantageous for us humans during our 12,000 years, or so, on this planet as humans.

   What many people don't realize, and I certainly didn’t, is that the angle at which the Earth tilts varies according to a 40,000 year cycle. These axial variations are referred to as a planet's obliquity.

    For the Earth, the tilt of the axis varies between 22.1 and 24.5 degrees during this 40,000 year cycle. When the tilt is at a higher degree, the seasons can likewise be more severe. Currently the Earth's axial obliquity is at about 23.45 degrees — roughly in the middle of the cycle — and is in a decreasing phase.

   If all of this weren’t enough we’ve come to discover that the Earth “wobbles” on it’s axis. This is called the Earth’s precession. This can create a huge difference in the severity of the seasons, depending on whether you live in the Northern or Southern Hemisphere. For instance, if it is summer in the Northern Hemisphere when Earth is in perihelion, then that summer is likely to be more extreme. By comparison, when the Northern Hemisphere instead experiences summer in aphelion, the seasonal contrast will be less severe. 

   This “wobble” fluctuates on roughly a 21- to 26,000-year cycle. Currently, summer solstice in the Northern Hemisphere happens near aphelion, so the Southern Hemisphere should experience more extreme seasonal contrasts than the Northern Hemisphere, all other factors being equal.

   Personally I find it comforting to realize I live on a spinning, tilted, wobbling ball of rock and molten iron, protected by an atmosphere that is relatively as thin as the skin of an apple, circling a massive nuclear fusion reactor, which itself is spinning around a giant black hole in the center of the Milky Way galaxy at 492,125.984 miles per hour, which itself is moving at 1,342,161.78 mph with respect to cosmological frames of reference, toward the great Andromeda Galaxy, which we’ll probably bump into in 3 or 4 billion years or so.

   It makes me feel special.  

   Talking about special, what makes the Vernal Equinox so? 

   Well it’s the beginning of springtime, so our ancestors could stop all of that partying they’d been doing during the winter, and look forward to growing some more crops, or hunting again to get fresh food, and start planning for the next winter. It’s a pretty important time of the year and has been celebrated throughout the world. 

   For instance witches (real witches, not those fake ones on “Bewitched,” and ”Charmed”) and other neopagans observe the day as Ostara, a festival that celebrates the season's change from dark winter to brightening spring.

   The first day of spring marks the beginning of Nowruz, the Persian New Year. The celebration lasts 13 days, which would be a golden window of opportunity for war freaks like John McCain and Bill Kristol to attack Iran... to stop them from attacking someone with that nuclear bomb they don’t actually have. Get’em while they’re all whooped up on Baklava and yogurt juice.

   It is also probably no coincidence that the early Egyptians built the Great Sphinx so that it points directly toward the rising Sun on the day of the Vernal Equinox. A kind of seasonal alarm clock you might say.

   The coming of spring is important to those people who believe that Jesus Christ was resurrected 3 days after he was crucified, which a lot do (and we’ll be discussing this at some length very soon), because the celebration of this pivotal event for Christians, called Easter, always falls on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Vernal Equinox, which will be April 20th this year.

   So happy spring, dear readers! We made it! Next up the mighty Summer Solstice, on June 21st!

   3:51AM my time. 

   10:51 in Timbuktu.

Happy Birthday Riki Lindhome!

Picture Legend:

1. Riki Lindhome
2. “Backseat Detour” 2001, first professional acting job
3. Riki in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” 2002
4. “Embedded”
5. “Gilmore Girls”
6. “Million Dollar Baby”
7. “Pulse”
8.  During the tough early years when Kate and Riki had to share the tub
9. Saunders and French, another blonde and brunette!
10. I’m frightened
11. I’m happy again.
12. Playing
13. Once a month
14. Happy Birthday
15. I don’t know what to say about this picture... I’m quite frankly embarrassed about it
16. “My Best Friend’s Girl”
17. “Changeling”
18. “The Big Bang Theory”
19. “The Last House on the Left”
20. “Powder Blue”
21. “Hell Baby”
22. “Nuthin' But a Glee Thang”
23. Riki
24. Riki
25. Riki
26. Ms Lindhome

   This morning it is my great pleasure and honor to give a great big Joyce’s Take happy birthday shout out to one of my very favorite actresses, comedians, and singer/songwriter/performers, half of the mega group Garfunkel and Oates (I’m not sure which one she is, Garfunkel or Oates... no one knows... it might not even matter (Riki’s Garfunkel, Kate is, uuhhh, let’s see... Oates)), the lovely and incomparable Ms. Riki Lindhome (pronounced: Lind-Home).

   My very own mother used to call me Riki when she was alive, except she pronounced it Ricky. My sister still does.

   Erika "Riki" Lindhome was born at a very, very early age, as a tiny female infant, in 1979 (which makes her, uuhhh, 29 years old today) in Cooter Sport, Pennsylvania... what’s that Herkimer? It’s Coudersport, Pennsylvania. Not Cooter Sport? Oh my word, are you sure? Alright then, yes that does make a tremendous amount of difference, now doesn’t it. Sorry about that.

   It’s interesting how so much misinformation is propagated on the Internet. You see the biographical info on Wikipedia’s Garfunkel and Oates page puts Riki’s birth place in Portville, New York (42.0372° N, 78.3367° W), which is just a horrible place. It’s like the ninth circle of 

Hell really. Now she may have moved to New York, attending Portville Central School (Pride Creates Success), graduating as the class Salutatorian in 1997. That’s extremely possible. However, I believe Riki  once referenced to Pennsylvania as where she came from, and Cooter Sport’s own Wikipedia page states Riki was born there, so would they lie? No, of course not. And they must be very proud of Riki and her accomplishments to have included her... aside from the “Fuck Me in the Ass Because I love Jesus,” song. Or maybe because of it, who knows? I certainly don’t.

   Coudersport (41° 46′ 26″ N, 78° 1′ 7″ W, 41.773889, -78.018611) then, as most know was the very town Eliot Ness (who looked at lot like Kevin Costner), the American prohibition agent, and leader of the Untouchables (a group of eleven U.S. federal law enforcement agents, who from 1929 to 1931 worked to end Al Capone's illegal activities by pro-actively enforcing Prohibition laws against him and his organization, the name referring to the supposition that these men could not be bribed or corrupted) lived in when he keeled over after suffering a massive heart attack on May 16th, 1957, at the age of 54. Either that, or he was poisoned with polonium, we’re not sure which... probably the heart attack.

   It is also of course the home of a Scottish Rite Consistory, with over 5000 members. The Scottish rite’s being one of the appendant bodies of Freemasonry, Freemasonry being a fraternal organization that traces its origins to the local fraternities of stonemasons, which from the end of the fourteenth century regulated the qualifications of masons and their interaction with authorities and clients and who are bent on world domination.

   You may not believe this but Riki is of Swedish descent. Not much else is known of her formative years, except that she and her family (I assume that she took her family along with her) moved around a lot when she was a child. 

   We do know that Riki attended Music Camp  (not to be confused with Band Camp) when she was 8 years old and in the 5th grade. We know that she was very popular and already had a boyfriend (this would be trend which would continue off and on through out her life... up to very present. At the time of the Amoeba Incident, for instance, she apparently was dating someone named ”Reed.” So the urge to mate is certainly manifest gentlemen... why I’d be after her myself if she were a little younger) named Dante, who may or may not have authored “The Divine Comedy, ” a book of some significance... but most likely not.

    “I think I might be allergic to crushes. Whenever I have one, I feel gross, go to bed and when I wake up it's gone.”

   There she met a young Kate Micucci (pronounced: My-Coochie), who we will celebrate later this month! How exciting!

   Kate was not as popular as Riki, and she cried a lot. We also know she had been playing the piano for a number of years, and would soon be learning how to play the trombone, later becoming a ukulele, kazoo, helicon tuba, and  Erhu virtuoso.  

   She reminds me of my first wife, Michelle, who had the unique ability to play the piano and trumpet, while juggling three bowling balls, all at the same time. Not an easy feat, I assure you.

   We know that Riki plays the guitar, kazoo, castanets, flute and the 164 string Sitka spruce Chrysalis. Possibly other instruments as well. 

   At the appropriate time Riki attended Syracuse University, which is in New York. While there she displayed an early flair for comedy by joining the sketch group "Syracuse Live."

   “Next time I pee in the shower, I'm gonna double check that no one's about to join me.”

   Yes.

   After graduating from SU in 2000, she decided to pursue an acting career, and came out to Los Angeles, where I live, and where the entertainment industry is supposedly centralized. Without an agent, she was able to secure the lead female role in the 12 (some say 18) minute short film, “Backseat detour,” in 2001, her very first professional acting job. I don’t know if she got paid for it, but it was her first job. The film was about a college freshman, Catie who finds herself trapped in the back seat of her parents’ station wagon on the way to Thanksgiving dinner, a “tale of family dysfunction at the holiday season.” 

   Well I’m sure most people can relate to that.

   In 2002 she appeared on an episode of Christopher Titus’s “Titus.” Riki played Charlie, a girl who jilted her female lover Amy, who then turned suicidal, in the episode entitled "Errrr." 

   I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that as well.

   She got a part on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the T.V. show, (not the film which had the real Buffy, our friend Kristy Swanson in it), on an episode entitled “Him," which aired November 5th of 2002, playing Cheryl, a cheerleader who is just one of many girls who fall madly (madly) in love with some football player who wears an a jacket that acts as an aphrodisiac.

   Again... most people I think can re... ahhh, skip it.

   In 2003 Riki got her first big break, when anti-war activist and Academy Award winning actor, Tim Robbins asked her to appear in the stage production of “Embedded,” a play he wrote, directed, and starred in, the over achieving bastard. The play “chronicles the war in Iraq through satire and commedia dell'arte masks. It also pokes fun at neo-conservatives such as Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld.” It was produced by Robbin’s 's Actor's Gang theater group, and Riki played a character named Gondola, and Journalist. Gondola represented former Secretary of State and war criminal, Condoleezza Rice. Riki got the role, in part, because of her close resemblance to Condi.

   Riki spent a year and a half with the play, and traveled all over the place. But, you know, you can get awfully tired doing the same thing 8 times a week for a year and a half, and says she likes performing in Garfunkel and Oates more because she can “do what we want.”

   I wholeheartedly agree.

   Between 2002 and 2006 she had a recurring role on 5 episodes of the television show, "Gilmore Girls," which starred the lovely and talented Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel. She played a classmate of Alexis named Juliet.

   In 2004, Riki among with 3 other actors from “Embedded,” got parts in Clint “Shoot E’m in the Back” Eastwood’s “Million Dollar Baby,” which also starred Clint, Morgan Freeman, and Hilary  Swank in an Academy Award winning performance. The film itself won the Academy Award for Best Picture, in large part, I believe, due to Riki’s contribution, playing Hilary’s opportunistic and baby clad sister, Mardell.

   See how easy it is to make it in Hollywood ladies. Just come on out and start working... you don’t even need an agent!

   Using all the mediums at her disposal, Riki has appeared in a few commercials I’m told, though I don’t recall seeing her in any, I’m sure the rumor is true. I believe she’s tried to sell us on McDonald's McGriddle, a tasty breakfast sandwich consisting of mouth watering and nutritious  bacon, egg and American cheese served on a small pancake made with maple flavoring guck. Both the top and bottom griddle cakes are embossed with the McDonald's logo. 

   How fun!

   Those commercials first aired in March of 2005. She’s also attempted to sell us on the GM Saturn automobile (which is a car I actually like, and would be proud as punch to drive if I drove, but I don’t), and nutritious Miller beer, which everyone knows, tastes like tap water that’s been fracked.

   Good try though Riki!

      “Why’s she called the Little Mermaid. She’s like a full grown mermaid, right?”

   She is a full grown mermaid, Riki. I don’t know why they call her that. As Geoffrey Rush said in “Shakespeare in Love,” it’s a mystery.

   Riki would quit fooling around and get busy in 2006. 

   She maxed out 5 new credit cards and produced a 3 part short film entitled, “Life is Short” (which can be seen, here, here, and here), which she wrote, and co-directed along with some guy who looks like one of the dwarves from “The Hobbit" films, Dori Oskowitz. The films stars Samm Levine (who would later instruct both Riki and Kate in the delicate art of the “hand job” while sitting on Riki’s couch, which can be seen right here. Kate has recently assured us that ”We’are really good at giving hand jobs now,” which of course is good to know),  the lovely and talented Kim Director (the healthy bank robber from “Inside Man”),  Alexis Bledel, and “Family Guy’s” Seth MacFarlane, as the evil Dr. Ned (Seth, I’m happy to say, is also the executive producer of the upcoming series “Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey,” which begins this Sunday, at  9:00PM, unfortunately on Fox. It seems Seth has an interest in science. Great job Seth!)

    “My porn name would be Kissimmee St. Cloud.”

   Okay, Riki, okay.

   2006 also saw her appearing as a car rental lady in the T.V. show “Heros,” and washing clothes with Christina Milian in the horror film “Pulse.” 

   In 2007 she was on one of my new favorite television shows that have been canceled, “Pushing Daisies,” which stars the lovely Anna Friel (who is British, but sounds absolutely bewitching with an American accent), and the bewitching Kristin Chenoweth. Riki played Jeanine, who handed out daisies while dressed as a dandelion, while working for Dandy Lion Worldwide Industries, which had developed a car the ran on dandelions. She also bagged Chi McBride’s last piece of pie by using various adorable facial expressions. 

   I know this to be true as I recently saw the episode, which was entitled, “Dummy,” by the way, and which happened to be the 2nd episode of the shows first of two seasons, and directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, of “The Addams Family” and Men in Black” films.

   My reaction to her performance was such that I felt the need to leave this message on her Facebook page: “Just saw you on ‘Pushing Daisies.’ You were so cute I had to throw up.” 

   High praise indeed.

   That year she also appeared briefly in Nickelback’s music video “Rockstar” (which can be seen, here), appearing as a bikini clad girl on a beach, lip sinking the words “they'll get you anything with that evil smile,” while smiling.

   Now I don’t usually listen to bands that appeared after Led Zeppelin and Jethro Tull, because they are of little consequence (except for Venus Hum and Sophie B Hawkins). I still maintain that the band Arrowsmith is a brash upstart ripoff of Zeppelin. Yet I really enjoyed this song, and Riki’s appearance made it that more worth watching and listening to.  

   Yes, I know. I need to get out more.

   Her brother, Tim Lindhome has been the drummer for the band, Navar.

   Let’s see, what else happened in 2007? Oh yeah, she met this girl named Kate.

   The two met at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, here in L.A., where they were introduced to one another by the comic Doug Benson. 

   They discovered they each played instruments and wrote music. In 2009, they collaborated in the short film “Imaginary Larry,” written and directed by Riki and that dwarf guy, and starring Riki, Kate, Malcolm Barrett, Ryan Devlin, and Christopher Stewart, and can be seen right here. 

   And from this fortuitous meeting and collaboration, Garfunkel and Oates emerged, and the rest is history... which I will recount.    

   Garfunkel and Oates is named after two famous pop music "sidekicks," Art Garfunkel (of Simon and Garfunkel) and John Oates (of Hall and Oates). The hit song “Fuck You,” came out of “Imaginary Larry,” and was their first Internet hit, and can be seen in it’s entirety right here. 

   “Described by the Wall Street Journal as the "Female Flight of the Conchords," Garfunkel and Oates are the funniest all-girl musical comedy team working today. Unlike some other musical comedy duos, Micucci and Lindhome aren't limited by a concept or shtick -- their funny, catchy songs work as extended jokes on a number of observational topics, ranging from the self-superiority of pregnant women to the lame arguments of same-sex marriage opponents. They start with a clever, original idea for a joke and expand it outward through song.” -Patrick Bromley, reporter with the Sun-Times News Group and DVD critic.

   Kate maintains that the two of them are very different, she and Riki, contrary to public perception. I know this for a fact. For example, Riki is adorned with long, lustrous blonde hair. Kate’s hair is dark, lustrous and short. How much more different can you get then that?!

   As a female musical-comedy duo, Garfunkel and Oates joins the ranks of ... Laverne and Shirley?! Lucy and Ethel? Possibly, though they didn’t do a whole lot of singing. Thelma and  Louise? No. 

   Hand job addict Samm Levine, suggested the British comedic duo Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders. He can be seen suggesting that in this nice two hour clip of Kevin Pollock’s Chat Show, which features Kate and Riki, and can be seen right here.

   Kevin Pollock? Yeah, the actor and comedian... the buzz kill lawyer from “A Few Good Men.”

   Garfunkel and Oates became an Internet sensation, (Riki at first had put their videos on You Tube without telling Kate) and began performing live in August of 2009 in Seattle. They’ve turned into highly demanded international superstars (Kate couldn’t believe that the audiences in Australia knew their songs, forgetting they’re Internet sensations). 

   Here’s some examples of their stuff:

   The presumptuous song “I’ll Never Have Sex with You,” here.

   That anal sex for the Lord song, here.

   And of course “Pregnant women are smug,” here.

   They are smug. 

   Bitches.

   “I keep trying to talk but no one can hear me over the sound of my uterus.”

   Okay.

   I want all of you to know that Riki is not just a beautiful and talented actress, and writer, and director, and singer, and song writer, and musician, and performer, oh no, she’s multi-talented as well, and also likes miniature golf on occasion... and is very civic minded, as this Public Service Announcement demonstrates, which can be seen here. 

   One year after they began performing the entertainment-trade magazine Variety named Garfunkel and Oates as one of the Top 10 Comics to Watch in 2010... which is pretty cool. Riki attributes their quick rise to fame, in part, to their gender, there being what can be considered a “dearth” of female musical-comedic duos, which gives them an edge on all of those male musical-comedic duos.

   Even though Riki is very busy with Garfunkel and Oates, she has not let her acting career languish... oh hell no!

   In 2008 she was in the film “My Best Friend's Girl,” which also stars Kate Hudson and Dane Cook in minor roles. This is the film in which I first became aware of Riki. The first time I ever saw her. She played a vulnerable single girl looking for a sincere relationship, and she did it so well... well, I kind of fell in love with her (platonically of course), right then and there. 

   She was just so sweet and innocent in that film, when in actuality we all know what a trashy whore she is (and I say that with love (platonic of course)), which is a testament to her astounding acting abilities. 

   So I found out who she was, and have followed her career ever since.    

   “Eating bananas in public is so embarrassing. I should have done it before I left the house.” 

   I have the same problem with Kiwi!

   That year she did Clint Eastwood another favor and starred in “Changeling,” with Brad Pitt’s wife. 

   Now I just saw this film a couple of nights ago while I was working away on my computer like a fiendish devil, after having not seen it for many years. It was on FXM, the Fox Movie Channel. And as I watched I said to myself, “That nurse sure looks a lot like Riki Lindhome.”

   By golly! It was Riki Lindhome! There’s a picture of her having friendly chat with Angelina Jolie above.

   There’s also a picture of her on “The Big Bang Theory,” above, from 2008. 

   I’ll have to watch that show sometime.

   In 2009 Riki amazed us yet again, playing against her sweet nature as one of the villains in a remake of “The Last House on the Left.” 

   She frightened me.

   I’m still frightened.

    “I want to write a love song called ‘The One That I Got Away From.’”

   Okay, I feel better now.

   She was in “Powder Blue,” with Forest Whitaker, Patrick Swayze (making his last appearance on film), Ray Liotta, Lisa Kudrow, Kris Kristofferson, and Jessica Biel.

   She’s done lot’s more work on television as well, guest starring on shows like “Criminal Minds,” “Bones,” “Three Rivers,” “Nip/Tuck,” “House,” “Drop Dead Diva,” “$#*! My Dad Says,” “United States of Tara,” “Love Bites,” “Enlightened,” “New Girl,” and “Monsters vs. Aliens.”

      “What cream should I use to make it look like I sleep at night?”

   I don’t know Riki. I just don’t know.

   In 2012 she tried out that Shakespeare dude in a “modern remake” of “Much Ado About Nothing.”

   Riki was in last year’s “Hell Baby,” which is like my new favorite film of all time! (screw “Citizen Kane!”) I don’t know why it’s my new favorite, but I have certain scene’s on my computer’s speed dial.

   By the way, here is a link to Riki’s official website, and Garfunkel and Oates website can be found right here. 

   Alright, I know all of my readers want to know about what has been referred to as the Amoeba Incident, or if you prefer, the Incident at Amoeba. 

   Amoeba Records in Hollywood is a wonderful store where one can find all kinds of musical stuff. Old fashioned records, DVDs, CDs, books, posters. They claim to be the world’s largest independent Record Store. I’ve been there myself!

   Well Kate and Riki visited one day, and this is what happened. 

   Did you see that?!

   Now what they might not know, after buying all of that stuff, is that they could have got it all  for free, everything they had, by downloading it from the Internet, utilizing a few simple techniques... that I sometimes may or may not use. 

   Think of the money they could have saved!

   Now I’m not saying that I have ever, ever done that... just that it’s possible, that’s all.

   Of course I’ve never done that... it may be illegal. 

   Forget I mentioned it. 

   Okay, we’ll finish up with this:

   In 2011 Riki co-wrote a Glee-themed parody of Snoop Dogg's “Nuthin' But a G Thang,” (I actually know who Snoop Dogg is from his  pistachio commercials) called “Nuthin' But a Glee Thang,” in which we get to see “Modern Family’s” Sofía Vergara say a bad word, and which can be seen here.  

   Finally, I have to say that of all of the birthday tributes I’ve researched and written this was one of the most pleasurable and satisfying, mainly due no doubt to the fun loving, exquisite nature of the subject.

   And it goes without saying that all of us here at Joyce’s Take (me and my invisible cat Herkimer) wish Riki continued good health and fortune, and a very happy birthday!

   Happy birthday Riki!