Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Erin's Star

My lovely case manager, Erin, will soon celebrate the beginning of her twenty-fifth year on this planet with us. I am particularly glad that of all the habitable planets in the galaxy she chose the Earth, and at this point in time to come live with us as she is very nice and fun to talk to.
She is very pretty too... for a girl.
A little hippie girl. I once told her, at a Cooking Club when she was wearing her "Free Love" T-shirt, that she would fit in well with all the other hippie chicks in Haight Ashbury during the 1960s.
You can see so for yourself, dear reader, in the above picture, taken at the Huntington Gardens as she is about to molest that poor goose. Notice her cool "walking backwards technique," used in order to throw the goose off guard, as every time the goose looks her way it appears that she is walking away, then when it's too late... pounce!
She is also very smart, quick as a whip.
A moment of truth, when I first was introduced to Erin I had no first impression, other than this little ragamuffin is going to be my case manager?! Very soon however, I was enchanted by her vibrancy and honesty, and I wanted to get to know her better.
I have no idea why I thought this, but I did, "She might be smarter than me." Of course that soon proved to be false, but she was, and is to this day, enchanting.
She is filled with integrity also. I would believe anything that she told me, as she is completely without guile.
She is very adventurous. She told me so once.
She is an extremely capable parallel parker. I have first hand knowledge of this.
She smiles every time I come into her office, well 95% of the time anyway. I have the ability to make her laugh, or at least smile pretty much whenever I want to. She's easy.
Listen to this, as it is very true. Erin's parents did a wonderful job raising her. I salute you, mom of Erin (or step-mom of Erin, or whatever. I am unfamiliar with Erin's immediate family details), and you, dad of Erin. You guys did a wonderful job! I congratulate you. Good job dad, and quick thinking on your part, grabbing young Erin and pulling her back from the precipitous abyss of the Grand Canyon, devourer of little girls. Thank you.
I'd be after her myself if she were a couple of years younger, despite the Cootie Factor. Don't get me wrong, I having nothing against older women. Ofttimes, experience triumphs over physical stamina, this is true. But as a rule I don't like to take the chance, for my partners wellbeing, entirely.
All kidding aside, if I were to ever have a daughter I wish she would be just like Erin. I certainly was a mess at her age.
Enough of this idle flattery! I don't want her to get a swelled head, so I must quote an excerpt from an earlier post. I have the author's permission.
"By the way again, I can write anything I want to about my case managers Erin and Paul, without fear of retribution, because they never read any of my stuff. Like this:
Erin has a big funny looking nose and green hair.
See, nothing happened."
I won't go into the ensuing bout of violent revenge which followed. I still haven't recovered fully.
In any case, once in a fit of jealous rage she proclaimed that one day she would have a star of her own (see "Pathfinder & Phoenix"). As a writer I have it within my power to do anything. So it is my great pleasure to grant Erin her wish, and officially proclaim a well established star as her very own.
First, I must transform myself into the Master of the Universe. I've just snapped my fingers and it is done. I am now the Master of the Universe, and it is now within my power to grant permanent ownership of stellar masses to whomever I please. I now proclaim that the star formerly known as Groombridge 1618, is to be converted to Erin _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _'_ Star (she will know how to fill in the blanks), or Erin's Star, for short.
Excuse me while I revert from Master of the Universe back to Rick Joyce.

Still reverting.

Okay, back to normal.
Want to know all about your new star, Erin? Well, if you insist.
Erin's Star is a K6.0V class, flare type, yellow dwarf, young and small, just like you. It is located in the constellation Ursa Major, and is only 15.848 light years (93,164,454,914,213.84 miles) from Earth, making it the 44th closest!
Its apparent magnitude is 6.59, being a measure of it's brightness to an observer on Earth minus the atmosphere. The absolute magnitude of Erin's Star, which is the intrinsic brightness of the star, is 8.16. Isn't that wonderful!
It's surface temperature is approximately 4,000 Kelvin, or 6,740.6 degrees Fahrenheit. It is located at 10h 11m 22.1s right ascension, and has a declination of +49 degrees, 27' 15", and is about a billion years old.
There's a whole bunch of other stuff you can learn about your Star, Erin, just by looking up Groombridge 1618 in Wikipedia, as they haven't had time to change the name to "Erin's Star" yet (sorry Stephen Groombridge, go find another one).
In any case, below is your Official Title Certificate and Order of Transfer:
Official Title Certificate and Order of Transfer
I the Undersigned, Authorized by the Power of Self Importance
Hereby Transfer Ownership of the Stellar Mass Located At
10h 11m 22.1s Right Ascension, +49 Degrees 27' 15" Declination
In the Sovereign Constellation of Ursa Major to
On This Day of Her Birth
May _ _, 2009
Master of the Universe
Signed _________________________________
Master of the Universe
Your Star will be copy writed in the International Master of the Universe Star Registry Retail Value: $57.00US
There It's done. Have a good time with your new star Erin. It's a big responsibility. Now you have to feed it, take it for walks, and clean up its messes.
May it keep you warm wherever you go.
And Happy Birthday!!!
Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "What a crappy present to give to sweet Erin, a piece of worthless paper that will never stand up in court." I say balderdash! And will personally stand behind all legal challenges associated with the above transaction.
Besides, we also gave her a rock.
Hi Julia!

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